Tequilla!!!

A western New York woman is accused of mixing up a batch of antifreeze-laced margaritas for her live-in boyfriend, who died four days after drinking the toxic cocktail.

Plus, they're really high in calories and give you a wicked hangover.

I Wish These Were My Problems

I think the problem is, I spend too much obsessing about how to get money, and all my money on lottery tickets. Money's important (obviously) but I should spend more time manifesting these kinds of nights too.

The kind of nights that have open flames, lesbian supermodels and tripple XL animal print jackets.

I'll write that into my New Years Resolution list along with better posture.

I Love Mariah Carey!

And being drunk and winning an award looks fun. I'm planning a similar speech for my Pulitzer.



PS. Very excitingly my friend Wynter was in the restaurant while Mimi was getting trashed. So jealous, Wynter!! You can starfuck along with her on Twitter. Reccomended.

My New BFF

Maybe you know Michelle Rodriguez from being faster and furiouser, or from getting shot on Lost by the guy in the wheel chair on Oz but let it be known that she's one fun bitch to party with.

Check this Page Six description of her at her BFF, Giancarlo Chersich's wedding:

At the welcome dinner...Rodriguez pushed fully clothed guests into the pool. The next night, she broke up the bachelorette party yelling that the stripper was "fat and had a small [bleep]."

Rodriguez was ticked off when the dancer asked for a volunteer at the beginning of his routine and then made the willing babe kneel down. "That's bull[bleep]," the sexy star yelled. "He should be kneeling for her; this is a bachelorette party."

As the stripper began gyrating and pushing his crotch into the bride-to-be's face, Rodriguez yelled, "This is the kind of thing that brings out the bisexual in me." She left in a huff.

Adderall??

I've been pretty bi-curious about it since I read an interview Vice Magazine did with a Canadian farmer they'd given Adderall to. He not only did the work of 10 farmers but also some, 'stuff with my wife I hadn’t done in a long time.'

You know what I mean.

The thing about Vice is that they're stridently pro drugs all around. Their dating advice usually involves not only alcohol but blow and Viagra so I don't always trust them. Plus they're really judgy about women who don't wear heels.

For a more nuanced take (with less talk about certain sex acts that are gross to me) check out The New Yorker talkin' neuroenhansers.

Verdict: Still kind of want to take some Adderall. Who doesn't want to do the work of 10 women? Answer: Osama, he's a mysogonyst.

Lastly, I typed Adderall into Google to find a good picture and about eleventy billion online, no questions asked pharmacies popped up. Just fyi.

Behind the Scabbies!

Whatever, I know it's not good for, well probably anyone, but Rock of Love tour bus is the awesomest thing ever. Diablo Cody feels me on this subject.

Sigh, it's over now and the reunion show was boring because of it's glaringly small apportionment of my party girls Ashley and Farrah (in the pink and black respectively) Actually I strongly advise you watch the episode that this screen shot is from. I think you'll understand where I'm coming from when you see Ashley repeatedly demand a cheeseburger, barf, correctly claim, 'Barf happens' incorrectly claim, 'Pooping yourself happens' and awesomely declare, 'I barf on your mom, she loves it.'
Watch act 3 starting at the 5:15 mark and then the 1st minute of Act 4. Thank me later.

Anyway, the reunion. Boring!!! But the behind the scenes blog is pretty amusing since it brings up old glories like when Gia put a shot of alcohol in her vagina, when Brittanya spat on Season 1's Heather and how Marcia always smelled like Doritos and Patron and tried to pull Bret's wig off.

Ah, memories.

Thankfully almost all of them will be showing up on Charm School 3 with Ricki Lake. Yay!!

I also humbly suggest you read, 'Hanging with the Blondourage' which is just a weird stream of consciousness with Ashley and Farrah.
Ashley: I was doing an event in Florida and I ordered porn in my room, and the guy who was hosting the event paid for it. He didn’t say anything about it because it was a weird porn. It was like lesbians on tricycles.

One of Us!!

I don't watch Rachel Maddow, there's usually a rerun of 'Rock of Love: Tour Bus' that needs my attention, but I admire her from a far because she's always, says the internet, giving right wingers the what for. Which I support.

Her one fault? She's on TV, but she doesn't have a TV.
A little bit too, ironic.

Well something wonderful happened and she bought one! How's that? Hee. She got drunk with her partner and when she woke up in the morning she had a confirmation email from like Best Buy saying, 'your damn TVs on the way lady.'

This sort of thing happens to us all and I've never regretted anything I've bought while I was high or drunk. Sure, maybe it's an embarrassing color, or not really the right size or you accidentally bought 2, but, you know, it's usually okay.

Wait, actually there's a number of food items I've bought while drunk that I deeply, deeply regret.

El Faralito on 24th and Mission, 3am, nachos. Don't do it people.

Ice, Snow and 1 Billion Chinese

You can't imagine how hard it was to keep from titling this post, 'Ice, ice, baby'.














This is an awesome photo from the anual Harbin International Ice and Snow Sculpture Festival, in Harbin, China. It looks cold but insane and probably a good place to take drugs. Not that you should.
Hugs not drugs.
Just not me, I'm not that big on hugs.
Unless we're really good friends, which we probably are since no one reads this blog.

Anyway! Check out the slide show from Boston.com's the big picture. Possibly not safe for work though cause there's randomly some pictures of people skinny dipping in frozen lakes. I'm looking at you Belarus!

Celebrate Like Kool and the Gang!

Huffpo's slide show of reactions to Obama's win from around the world.
I especially like this one from Obama, Japan. They're psyched!

Boo!

Some planet must have been in some other planet's something for this Halloween, because my mind spent the whole weekend being blown by my friends costumes.
I feel I must share.

For once I put in more effort than just buying $10 worth of fake blood. Because of the mustache I had to drink everything out of a straw. Including my flask. It's the one Erin gave me, engraved - 'Mama's Juice'
All class.









Erin and Maggie were Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Here they are fighting off the paparazzi while I drink a Tecate out of a straw.








Sam and Badger independently dressed up as Santa and an Elf. The terrorist fist jab is in celebration of meeting their toy making quota for October.











Maggie and Tom are just straight up smokin' as a stewardess and a TSA officer.












Jake and Cormac were by far, the least understood costumes.
Jake was Bill Walsh, who is largely unknown by hipsters. Even Bay Area hipsters. Cormac was a secret service agent but everyone thought he was Will Smith in Men in Black. Or Obama. That's what you get for being one of only 5 black people at any party. Sorry.




More to come...hopefully

Phillies Win!!!!

I got a text from my sister last night saying that Broad Street in Philadelphia was on fire, and even though I wasn't watching the World Series, I knew the Phils had taken it home.

The last time the Phillies were in the World Series was in 1993, my sophomore year in High School. All summer our parents would drop me and my girl friends off at Veterans Stadium so we could cruise the stadium in short shorts, eat french fries and um, root for the Phils.

The whole area when effing crazy in the run up to the series, and even crazier when they lost.
Some of the '93 Phillies lived in my town, including Mitch Williams, who gave up the last hit to lose the world series, and the next morning all the kids in my high school were bragging about throwing rocks and eggs at their houses and tearing up their lawns with their cars.
People were seriously upset. Serious as a heart attack at an Alzheimer convention.

It took 15 years but we're back on top!!!! Here's some pictures of the glory and the mayhem.

Goggles

So today Google introduced a great little addition to gmail - google goggles. Goggles (under 'settings' and 'labs') lets you set certain times during the evenings and weekends (or other problem times, you goddamn alcoholic) when you might be too drunk or fucked up to be allowed to send emails.

Basically it's a breathalyzer for your email.
How???
During the times you set as 'vulnerable' you'll be forced to complete 5 easy math problems in under a minute.
Otherwise, it's a no go Tipsy McStaggers.

No diatribe to the bitch 2 cubicles over who breaths weird and talks about how her pets get better medical care than most children. No dirty emails to that girl you met yesterday and haven't even been out on a date with. No 'baby come back, you can blame it all on mes'.
Those are pathetic, you don't want to be that guy.

I think it's awesome, though I don't feel I really need it any more since I'm old enough to control my behavior while drinking (at least in this instance). You know who could have really used this??? All the boys I dated in college. It also would have helped if I had kept my front door locked. Would have really cut down on the amount of times I was shaken awake by some upset dude.

Also I could have been raped and murdered in my sleep but, live and learn.

Psych! Funny Things Still Occuring!

I could seriously fly to Ohio and kiss Ms. Michelle Allen on the lips for returning a sense of the absurd to my life.

As you can see, she's dressed as a cow. Question: What was she doing before getting her mug shot taken in costume???
Answer: Chasing neighborhood kids, blocking traffic and peeing on a neighbor's porch. She actually got off with a warning the 1st time, but cops had to come back later that night because you can't keep a good woman in a cow suit down!!!

Also, she showed up to sentencing in costume. That's how you can tell a mad woman from a budding genius.

Michelle Allen, I salute you!!!

Reunited...and it feels so good!!!

Yeah, it's been a little while, but baby, believe me I was thinking of you the whole time.

Yikes, people!! My social life has been fucking with my online life. I can't access blogger from work because apparently they're on to our hijinks (damn them!) and I've developed a nasty (and expensive) after work drinks habit.
I don't know when to say when.

Anyhoo, prepare for a deluge of posts, cause I'm pent up and have a lot to say!!!

Regrets? I've had a few...

I'm up at 9:30 on Saturday morning posting to my blog because I almost killed myself Thursday night partying with some lady friends.
Friday work was excruciating and though I should be happy and grateful for my new job which I like so much, instead I was hiding and trying to stay awake, and um, not throw up again.

I realized that I frequently use the excuse of, "When I'm with 'person x' I get too excited, party too hard and endanger my health."
This is the excuse usually goes to my boyfriend since he's the one always dealing with the aftermath.

He called shenanigans on that yesterday morning pointing out that in the past month 'person x' has encompassed no less than 6 different individuals! The thought dawned on me that maybe they don't have an overwhelming party effect on me, it may in fact be me that is the bad influence. (sad trombone music)

I will take this epiphany to heart and try to moderate a little more when I'm partying for the rest of the summer.

To showcase the destruction of Thursday night, here is the text chain between myself, and my two friends Lynsey and Mandy from Friday morning.

Lynsey to me: woke up in my bed naked w/my radio ON Mexican music playing. have to get my atm card from the owl tree this am...god Damn u r fun lol

Me to Lynsey: OMG I'm dying! Jake said I stumbled in reeking of perfume made fun of what he was watching, threw up and then got in bed and started snoring. Bad girlfriend!

Lynsey to me: That is the most amazing story. I smell like perfume too! WTF

Me to Mandy: (she's a little more of a lightweight) Are you okay? Sorry!

Mandy to me: How did I get home? threw up in my bed ;) Called in sick to work. I had fun you girls are wild :)

..................................................................................................................

Update: As of right now, Mandy will no longer go out with Lynsey and me for fear of the aftermath

What do you do when you're unemployeed?

I had a very interesting unemployed week this week. I say unemployed though I did do a few things that involved getting paid. I mean unemployed in a 'regular gig' kind of way.

One of the ways that I scavenge money from the landscape is by doing contract work for my previous employer. If you're thinking write a press release, or design a web page then you don't have my kind of work history mister sister. Contract work for me meant getting up at 8am on Saturday morning to lead 15 Bay Area singles on a 4 hour hike in the rain. Wheeeee!

Monday I repainted 2 dressers, I have all the time in the world, but limited paint. I have only the choice of colors my friends have painted their walls. Leftovers-ville, but honestly they look pretty good, and significantly less like furniture I bought or found on the street.

Wednesday I made the mistake of going to one of those 'Job Fairs' that sometimes spring up in downtown hotels. Since I am not interested in becoming an SF police officer (I don't care how many posters they put up in BART showing smiling cops patrolling the Presidio on bikes, I am not buying what you are selling.) nor do I want to drive a MUNI bus, it was kind of a waste of an interview shirt.

Wednesday night I got a text from Alika at 10pm saying 'I'm at the Alley if you get a wild hair'. I think is was her use of wild hair that really got me, even though I was already in my pjs. 10 may be late to go out if you have a job but...

Also if you don't live in Oakland, and you don't know the Alley, it's kind of special, to me anyway. the decor can best be described as a set for a hobo comedy set in the 20's complete with fake pawnshop exterior and old laundry hanging from the wall. I searched google but couldn't find a photo of the awesome portrait of the owner but here's a pretty good photo of the interior.














What the Alley is really known for though is Ron Dibble.
He's somewhere around 200 years old and he knows the words and music to every American song written before 1965. Frustrated musical theater majors have been gathering around his piano for decades and it lends a really rad vibe to the hobo theme.

BC unemployment I snuck in my own liquor and just ordered soda water all night (don't worry I tipped luxuriously). When the drinks are basically free and you don't have to work in the morning the night can easily lead you to the late night karaoke box when the bars close.
You have not lived till you've heard me sing the Pussycat Dolls 'Stickwitu'

However, sometimes it takes till 3:30am to remember that you have a phone interview at 9:30 in the morning. Yikes!

So at 9am Thursday morning I dragged myself out of bed, and I'm old so I was spectacularly hung over, to talk about my experience with a man who sells sex toys, and to convince him that I would be a natural for setting up sex education seminars for him.

Then another reality hit me, I had to drive to Fremont, which is 40 miles away, to participate in a market research study. Another creative money making venture. I won't go into the details but I was probably the most negative study participant they ever had. For some reason when it was over I couldn't find my car in the parking lot and had to walk around locking and unlocking the door with the little key chain thing that does just that.
Don't worry, I found it, I'm not still in Fremont.
(Fremont fun fact: Fremont has the largest population of Afghanis outside of Afghanistan. It's true!)

Today, Friday, I got to do the radest unemployed thing of all! There's a semi new publication out of SF called Meatpaper (there's a link to the right) and yes I'm a vegetarian, but it's like the most interesting magazine ever. A week or 2 ago I wrote them saying I had an abundance of nothing but free time and would love to meet up to help out in some way, and today I got to have lunch with one of the editors. Yes!!! So hopefully I will be able to start working with them in some way soon. Not really as a job but just as an awesome side dish.

So that's my week in unemployment! Enjoy it while it lasts because some grade A shit like me is not going to be on the market forever.

To the EXTREME

2nd post and I wanted to talk about one of my favorite things.
It's amazing and it changed my life and it's called Redline.



OK, it has very scary marketing which self identifies it's formula as "this freaky scientific..breakthrough"
and it promises to harness the body's shivering and sweating power at the same time. Which obviously sounds horrifying.
I will also admit that the daily recommended dose of 4-6 caplets per day is frightening. I definitely would not attempt it unless you are in a hospital with defribulator paddles taped to your hands, AND you better hope those paddles are heavy because you are going to be in the mood to pump some serious iron.


Yeah, so what's so great about them?
Are you old? Not old, old in the conventional sense, but old like you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, and suddenly Hall and Oats is like the best band ever, and you're tired at 11:30 on Friday night?
Yeah, I'm that kind of old and I know 30's the new 21 but that's bullshit, stop fooling yourself. Just be glad you don't have to waitress anymore, or live with 300 people or whatever annoying thing you had to do back then.

Um, anyway, I don't care that 'Rich Girl' and 'I Can't go for That' are in heavy rotation, but my will to party does not always match up with my ability to party.
And sometimes you have to party.
The first time I encountered Red Line was an hour before Maggie and Tom's wedding. Jake and I were exhausted and Cormac, workout supplements whore slash afficionado, pushed the magic beans on us, and told us the first taste was free. (that's not verbatim what went down)

So yeah, it worked. Even though there was only wine and Sierra Nevada at the reception we stayed, we partied, we laughed, we cried, it was better than Cats.
You know what I mean?
I was like, "Awesome, this shit is awesome! Love it. For life!"
Jake on the other hand, was deeply disturbed by the experience, and I won't lie, his pupils were dilated for over a day. He does not share my love for Redline.

You're supposed to use Redline for working out. Now I love working out, but for me, two great tastes that do not taste great together. The few times I've attempted, I've pushed myself way past my limits and I always find myself sitting on a weight bench, grunting like a bull and on the verge of passing out.
I know, not a pretty picture, sorry.

As an aside, while I was visiting Dimitri in Phoenix, he told me he has a similar love for Hydroxycut. So we took Redline Friday night and Hydroxycut Saturday night and we both ended up cursing each other in the morning.
Hydroxycut is evil. Though I also blame the $2 vodka tonics and the novelty of being in a club attached to a Chinese liquor store.

So proceed at your own risk, especially if you're afraid of extended pupil dilation or easily impressed by bars in strip malls but my love is forever.