Yes We Can...Eat All That Sushi, Keep the Sake Coming!

via Gawker

For me, there's never enough sushi or enough Obama, so I'm kind of surprised I didn't come up with this independently.
Well not surprised, more...wistful.

Without Comment

An Ohio man is facing trial for what seemed, at 1st, like an innocent sleepover but culminated in him hand cuffing his female guest to a chair, naked but for an adult diaper, and reading bible passages to her for 3 days.

So stop complaining about your commute, or not having enough cash for a vacation or how uncomfortable your chair is.

(did that count as 'comment'?)

What Would Bob Barker Do?

Retire. Hang out with Tom Bergeron and his dog, and keep that bottle of tequila close at hand.

What Wouldn't Bob Barker do?? Watch 'The Price is Right'.

Throw in, 'become that weird lady who buys 40 lottery tickets every day' and you have my retirement plan too!!

Oh, Kanye!

Kanyes say the craziest shit!
I know, I know! He's so full of himself he never has room for jello, and he's sex obsessed to the point of programing a Super Mario Bros style video game at 9, featuring a penis with arms and legs who, like, battles ghost vaginas, BUT he wears great outfits and his crazy town always puts a smile on my face.
Ghost vaginas.

Here's my new favorite bout of boastful braggadocio from Yahoo, via E! online:

"I have, like, nuclear power, like a superhero, like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on."

Um, glass? Monocle??

Mini

Miniatures.
Check out my bgf Maggie's new blog, The Littles, devoted to the lives of her miniatures. The whole blog was inspired by the Oakland Airport so you know you're in for something special!

M.I.A. B.A.B.Y Update

From ONTD a picture!

I want to say as an aside, that I'm not into the whole celebrities procreate thing but this is MIA so obsession is warranted.

Aside 2, I totes had that much hair when I was born too. I believe my parents called me 'the missing link' well into my todler-hood. They also called me 'Oops' for quite a while too, but that's another story.

You Know You Still Like MJ!

And I know you know, that you want this oil portrait of him as King.
Yeah, that and all manner of other wacky shit he's auctioning off in April.

So go get your self that second job at Hot Dog on a Stick and save up for your single, crystal encrusted glove or perhaps a golf cart with yet another portrait of him, this time as peter pan, air brushed onto the hood.

He also for some reason (confessions of a shopaholic!) has Edward Scissor Hands', scissor hands.

I'm gonna have to put a lot of hot dogs on a lot of sticks to get them, but then I'll make millions cutting hair and creating topiary.
Right?

Talk About a Time Waster!!!

OMG!
As you may or may not know, the only thing that makes Harper's Magazine more savory than a low fat, whole grain biscuit is it's Index section. Every month it lists randomly connected stats, numbers, factoids and what not.
Not enough reason to buy the damn thing, but diverting if you find one in your friend's bathroom.

So what's great??
Harper's just launched a searchable Index, and it's probably the best time waster I've ever found. You just type in a word and hit search and it comes up with every random fact that relates and the date it was published.

Here's a few choice one's for 'fat':--------------------------

1/90Estimated amount of fat surgically removed from Americans in 1988, in pounds: 200,400

American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons (Arlington Heights, Ill.)/Gerald Pitman (N.Y.C.)

Estimated amount of silicone and collagen implanted in Americans in 1988, in pounds: 63,250

2/95Average amount of fat consumed by an American adult each week, expressed in sticks of butter: 6

National Center for Health Statistics (Hyattsville, Md.)

6/02Days the University of Georgia heated its campus last winter by burning chicken fat and other leftover food grease: 21

University of Georgia (Athens, Ga.)

11/03Grams by which the amount of fat in McDonald’s fattiest salad exceeds that in its fattiest burger: 3

McDonald’s (Oak Brook, Ill.)

8/05Selling price in June for a bar of soap allegedly made from the liposuctioned fat of Silvio Berlusconi: $18,000
-----------------------------------------------------

The Obama one is kind of hysterical, and the fun just doesn't end people! Go forth and time waste friends.

I'm also posting a link in Time Suck so you don't have to search it out later!

Um, Uplifting, Sort Of

I was half weirdly cheered, half totally depressed by these two stories.
Which ev you choose there's no denying they are both pretty amazing. These are some sisters who are doin' it for themselves, but in a real Tarantino kind of way.

In India, over the weekend a man set his wife on fire only to die hours later. After he threw the match on her she grabbed him in a bear hug and wouldn't let go till he was engulfed in flames too. All his neighbors, who had heard him beating his wife earlier that night, refused him help.

In China a business man made his 5 mistresses compete to see which would survive and 'win him' during these tough economic times. The 1st mistress to be eliminated, for being the least educated (no word on how she did on the liquor holding competition), retaliated by driving him and the 4 other mistresses off a cliff, killing herself and wounding the others. All the mistresses and his wife have since left him.

Pallin' Around With Terrorists

Remember 'domestic terrorist' Bill Ayers? He wanted to destroy America, dement the youth, and launch Barak's political career all before lunch?

Yeah, he was in the 'Questions for...' section of the NYTimes Magazine this weekend.

It was pretty much what you'd expect (he wrote a book about ending white supremacy) but he does have one glimmering quote that I really hope is based in reality...

Q: ...you became newly famous last year, after Sarah Palin accused Obama of “pallin’ around with terrorists.” A: I did send her a note after the election. I suggested that we have a talk show together called “Pallin’ Around With Sarah and Bill.” I haven’t heard back.

I would watch that! I can take 'House' out of Tivo rotation in a second, that bisexual MS lady doctor gets on my nerve. Too many intense looks.

Go For the Gold!!

Did you know that men can compete in 40 more Olympic sports than women??
That's not just like, boxing and wrestling but also stuff like ski jumping and a whole bunch of cycling events.

Usually Olympics defenders, blah, blah that there's just not enough world class female athletes to make it a real competition, which is actually total bullshit at this point.
Plus, wasn't the whole plot of 'Cool Runnings' that any old shitty men's team can compete in anything they want? Why can't we (not me, but we, you know women) have that same right?? Can't you see a lot of great movie treatments coming out of this?

Anyway England's Olympic Minister, Tessa Jowell, a lady, is calling 'shenanigans!' on the international Olympic committee and is agitating to open all sports to both sexes.

Added benefit?? Yeah, male syncronized swimming!!!!
What?? I'm there people!

Jigga, Aw!!

I haven't really wanted to say anything about the whole RiRi, Chris Brown monstrosity because, it's really sad and I like to steer away from that kind of thing here.
Plus it's private (or should be). Plus, plus now I can't enjoy 'Hearts all over the world' the way I used to.
Sniff.

So why am I crying about it now?
Because I just wanted to share a quote from one half my #1 favorite couple of all time, all places, and all dimensions.

Tell the people what you think Jay-Z:

"This is a real situation...You have to have compassion for others. Just imagine it being your sister or mom and then think about how we should talk about that...I just think we should all support her. She's going through a tough time. You have to realize she's a young girl, as well. She's very young."

Beyonce, you're a very lucky woman.
I mean really, Beyonce should go to church every day 'cause she also gets to be gorgeous and make the best party songs.

OMG, MIA, B.A.B.Y

No pictures yet (obvi) but MIA gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday!!
Yay!!

I'd pull text but it's the usual, aw, adorable, perfect, blah, blah, blah miracle such and such.
I am, however, REALLY looking forward to what she dresses the little peanut in so stay tuned for that.

ps. I hope you don't think I used this image out of anything but respect for the awesomeness that is MIA. I mean, I realize she's a little bent over but the outfit and make up are amaze! Right?

Tina Fey Cured My Astigmatism

I was a little drunk when I watched 30 Rock last night but even through the haze I was like, 'Damn, I can't believe how much product placement they gave McDonalds with this McFlurry bullshit!'

But I understand, this is how my favorite scripted and reality (especially reality) shows get made in a post Tivo world.

But then!!! On a flaxen haired unicorn Tina Fey rides in to dispel my jaderade:

"It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the references to McDonald's in last night's episode of 30 Rock were in no way product placement. (Nor were they an attempt at product placement that fell through.) We received no money from the McDonald's Corporation. We were actually a little worried they might sue us. That's just the kind of revenue-generating masterminds we are.

Also, the upcoming story line where Liz Lemon starts dating Grimace is just based on a recurring dream I have.

Seriously, though, it's not product placement.

Also, whoever is writing my Twitter account is pretty funny, but it's not me."

-Tina Fey

Aw! Tiny authentic tear!!

PS. I know, Salma's rack is near-mythical

TGIF Monkeys

What is it that makes monkeys so compelling?
I seriously don't care.
It's raining, I'm tired and I have no groceries to go home to.

Please enjoy, Friday afternoon monkeys

The Boyfriend Shout Out

Alright people, I got a side of guilt with my bed head this morning from the boyfriend for not linking to his website.

So, please, for the love of T shirts go to HeadlineShirts.com.
The fact of the matter is, is that most of the shirts were my idea anyway. Well, not factually but I had my hand in some of them...

Don't trust me though, which ever ones I like or come up with usually end up in a dumpster in Vallejo because no one bought them. How can I be both relentlessly awesome, and totally out of touch at the same time?

That's one for the ages.

I Trust You J-Hud

I have nothing but love for Jennifer Hudson and you know, obviously our hearts prayers and whatnot go out to her after her entire family got killed BUT, what is up with the fiance???

First of all, he's famous for being on 'I Love New York'. Blech.

Now, I know she's only on the scene because she was on 'American Idol' but come on!! 'American Idol' is to 'I Love New York' as tennis elbow is to infectious complications from scabies.
For real though.
(aside: I would 1000x rather watch I Love Money than Idol, but that's neither here nor there)

Suspect fiance reason number 2: He's now pursuing a career as a professional wrestler.

I know you hear professional wrestler and you think, 'AWESOME"!!! But! Why don't you go ahead and watch Joe 'The Animal' Laurinaitis get beaten to a pulp by The Rock in front of his sobbing kids or watch Jake 'The Snake' Roberts smoke crack and talk about how only the kinkiest sex can get him off anymore in 'Beyond The Mat' and then we'll talk about what's cool and what's totally, mind blowingly depressing.
(aside 2: you should totally rent Beyond the Mat, it's kind of unbelievable!)

Lastly, he's not even cute. He has kind of a creepy troll doll thing going on, and, I'm just going to say it...he's knock kneed.
Oh J. Hud, I just hope you're making the right decision.

Bad News for Men, Bad News for Women

1. Bad news for women:
If you're a straight woman then this is probably one of those 'department of duh' studies but there's an orgasm gap in this country!! In serious relationships women are coming 80% as frequently as men and in causal hook-ups it's more like 30% of the time.

Attention straight men - the likelihood of 1 night stands will go through the roof if you stop treating us like real dolls.


2. Bad news for men:
Though it's couched as good news, researchers have adjusted down the percentage of secretly illegitimate children from 1 in 10 to 1 in 25. Cuckolding.
Um, 1 in 25 still seems pretty high as far as unwittingly raising another man's child as your own goes. Sorry dudes.
I was actually reading this woman hater website that was agitating for mandatory paternity tests at birth and I thought the guy was a total jack off but maybe men should be fighting for that right. Who knew?

I Don't Care, I Loved it

From Special Correspondent Cormac:

Happy Birthday Jen!

I know it's a contentious subject with hurt feelings and recriminations on all sides, but I am once and forever team Aniston.

So you go make 40 look good Jen! I hope John gives you some good sexin' tonight.

I Present to You...Tinnitus

Yeah I know that 'ringing in your ears' doesn't sound that interesting but this article on it in the New Yorker is kind of fascinating. There's brain scans, people!

Plus, I'm always facinated by stories of people who were totally normal and then bam!! Medical mystery and they're miserable. Like this guy:

"Last May, David Nowak, a sixty-four-year-old retired machine repairman, had an ear infection that his doctor treated with antibiotics. Shortly thereafter, he heard a loud horn in the street, and has been plagued by tinnitus ever since. ... Now, he said, “My life has come to a halt. I can’t do anything. I can’t concentrate.” One Sunday, he told me, he went out and stood by a metal flagpole during a storm, hoping that lightning would strike, and that he had gone to the cemetery and “begged my mother to take me. I wish I would pass away.”"

Aw! Sorry David.

And did you know, "...that hearing loss accompanying tinnitus is now the No. 1 cause of disability among veterans of the conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq."

New in Colliding

I know I go on and on about it but it looks like the Large Hadron Collider (LCH) is out of comish till at least Labor day. Or as Discover Magazine awesomely states:

Until Next Fall, LHC Smashes Only Hopes, Not Particles

See, I'm not the only one left naked and alone.
Uh, metaphorically.

This is Why You're Fat

Blatant other blog shout out, thisiswhyyourefat.com

This little gem is, 'A seven pound breakfast burrito stuffed with potatoes, eggs, onions, and ham bits, lots of cheese on top and smothered in red chile.'

Holy cow!!
How is that only 7lbs??


Probably because I'm that annoying person who always wants the sauce on the side, complains when the salad is all iceberg, and makes my mac n cheese with whole wheat pasta, soy milk and broccoli (not as bad as it sounds!) I'm totally obsessed with gross food.

When I sleep over at the boyfriend's house I stay up late watching episodes of Man vs. Food (he ate a 72oz steak, shrimp cocktail, baked potato, dinner roll and a side salad in 30mins!!!), Bizarre Food (apparently the lamb's eyes are the best part) and the OG Iron Chef from Japan.

So, so satisfying.












Happy meal pizza, obvi.

I Wish I Was MIA

I mean, I don't wish I was pregnant, but if I was pregnant, I wish I could be this cool while I did it.

Say it Ain't So!!

Smoking weed may increase the risk of testicular cancer! No!

"The risk appeared to be highest among men who had reported smoking marijuana for at least 10 years, used it more than once a week or started using it before age 18."

Male friends of psychedandsuch, please chickity-check yourselves before you rickity-wreck yourselves.

Strange Love; Married to the Eifle Tower

Uh, no one has told me that they watched this movie. Click the link people, watch women talking about having deep, meaningful and sexual relationships with banisters, samurai swords and the Golden Gate Bridge!!

Multiple Blogger Personality Disorder

Check out this totally amazing article in the Telegraph about this woman, 'Ruth Dee' who's has multiple personality disorder for over 50 years!

She wrote a book about it, which was kind of a problem because only her 'alters' who had lived through each of her life's experiences remembered them..."I could only do it by turning on a camcorder and letting one of the alters describe what happened. Then I could transcribe it."

Crazy!!! Both meanings!

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU'LL DO ALL YEAR!!!!

Is watch the film, 'Strange Love, Married to the Eiffel Tower'.
Click the link to watch the whole film online.

I'm not easily shocked, people, but I have never sat for 40min with my jaw this slack in amazement.
See, this film is about Object Sexualists. Women (all women for some reason) who are in love with intimate objects.

But for the love of GOD, do not call their lovers inanimate!!!

And I do mean LOVERS. These women have pretty graphic love affairs with their objects, including one woman who became a world champion archer because she was so 'connected' with her bow, Lance. She termed the sex, 'mindblowing'.

There are some kind of ick moments; another woman talks about shouting, 'I want your fluids, I want your fluids' while she climaxes having sex with an amusement park ride. But there's an equally, weirdly touching moment when the pastor of her church tells her she isn't going to be booted from church because of her relationship with an alter bannister, because, 'God opens the door.'

Oh and yeah, that's the other thing, object sexuals have open relationships! They're poly amourous, which means a woman can be married to the Eifle Tower while still having a serious releationship with the Berlin Wall which, in turn, is married to a Swedish woman with 9 cats.

Are you feeling me here???? You need to watch this movie!!!! Do it!!!


(Apologies to Pickle for using your vaca photo to illustrate, but whatever, it's an amazing photo, c'mon!)