Shout out!!

Just have to give one to one of my very B, GBFs, Dimitri, who is coming to see me all the way from Sunny Phoenix this 4th of July. I even told him that the 4th is almost always the coldest week of the summer, but he was not deterred.
(But for reals!!! I can never get over having to wearing mittens to the fire works! This is not how California looks on TV to a young, impressionable Jersey girl.)

Just to prove his awesome-nicity here's an excerpt from his email to me about visiting:

Anyway, I AM SOOO EXCITED! Break out the Asti Spumante, cause I'm getting ready to rock with your posse!

Oh, and tell you BF that I am gay and he won't have to worry...I want to be you, not sleep with you!!!!

I think you could all learn a lesson about admitting you want to be me.
Don't be scared, no one will judge you.

Oh, and this is how he responded to me asking what airport he was flying into:

Oakland, Duh. SF is for hippies:)

Asserting Oakland's superiority over San Francisco is always like a sucker punch to the heart for me. Some people are just disgustingly perfect.

What do you do when you're unemployeed?

I had a very interesting unemployed week this week. I say unemployed though I did do a few things that involved getting paid. I mean unemployed in a 'regular gig' kind of way.

One of the ways that I scavenge money from the landscape is by doing contract work for my previous employer. If you're thinking write a press release, or design a web page then you don't have my kind of work history mister sister. Contract work for me meant getting up at 8am on Saturday morning to lead 15 Bay Area singles on a 4 hour hike in the rain. Wheeeee!

Monday I repainted 2 dressers, I have all the time in the world, but limited paint. I have only the choice of colors my friends have painted their walls. Leftovers-ville, but honestly they look pretty good, and significantly less like furniture I bought or found on the street.

Wednesday I made the mistake of going to one of those 'Job Fairs' that sometimes spring up in downtown hotels. Since I am not interested in becoming an SF police officer (I don't care how many posters they put up in BART showing smiling cops patrolling the Presidio on bikes, I am not buying what you are selling.) nor do I want to drive a MUNI bus, it was kind of a waste of an interview shirt.

Wednesday night I got a text from Alika at 10pm saying 'I'm at the Alley if you get a wild hair'. I think is was her use of wild hair that really got me, even though I was already in my pjs. 10 may be late to go out if you have a job but...

Also if you don't live in Oakland, and you don't know the Alley, it's kind of special, to me anyway. the decor can best be described as a set for a hobo comedy set in the 20's complete with fake pawnshop exterior and old laundry hanging from the wall. I searched google but couldn't find a photo of the awesome portrait of the owner but here's a pretty good photo of the interior.














What the Alley is really known for though is Ron Dibble.
He's somewhere around 200 years old and he knows the words and music to every American song written before 1965. Frustrated musical theater majors have been gathering around his piano for decades and it lends a really rad vibe to the hobo theme.

BC unemployment I snuck in my own liquor and just ordered soda water all night (don't worry I tipped luxuriously). When the drinks are basically free and you don't have to work in the morning the night can easily lead you to the late night karaoke box when the bars close.
You have not lived till you've heard me sing the Pussycat Dolls 'Stickwitu'

However, sometimes it takes till 3:30am to remember that you have a phone interview at 9:30 in the morning. Yikes!

So at 9am Thursday morning I dragged myself out of bed, and I'm old so I was spectacularly hung over, to talk about my experience with a man who sells sex toys, and to convince him that I would be a natural for setting up sex education seminars for him.

Then another reality hit me, I had to drive to Fremont, which is 40 miles away, to participate in a market research study. Another creative money making venture. I won't go into the details but I was probably the most negative study participant they ever had. For some reason when it was over I couldn't find my car in the parking lot and had to walk around locking and unlocking the door with the little key chain thing that does just that.
Don't worry, I found it, I'm not still in Fremont.
(Fremont fun fact: Fremont has the largest population of Afghanis outside of Afghanistan. It's true!)

Today, Friday, I got to do the radest unemployed thing of all! There's a semi new publication out of SF called Meatpaper (there's a link to the right) and yes I'm a vegetarian, but it's like the most interesting magazine ever. A week or 2 ago I wrote them saying I had an abundance of nothing but free time and would love to meet up to help out in some way, and today I got to have lunch with one of the editors. Yes!!! So hopefully I will be able to start working with them in some way soon. Not really as a job but just as an awesome side dish.

So that's my week in unemployment! Enjoy it while it lasts because some grade A shit like me is not going to be on the market forever.

Best. Oprah. Ever.

I really don't care, yes I love Oprah.
Yes, I watch her every day.
Yes, I got Tivo when I got a 9-5 specifically so I wouldn't miss her shows.
So what!

Some times she disappoints, I'm not so into her celebrity interviews and shows where she gives shit away. I mean, every episode can't be women who got gastric bypass, lost hundreds of pounds and then became sex addicts or alcoholics. Those gems are to be relished when they come.

But yesterday Oprah really delivered, for real!

First of all the topic was people struggling with OCD which is probably my favorite mental disability to hear about. So awesome.
Then it had Dr. Oz, who is one of my TV boyfriends.
Love him!
(via. Oprah.com)






Then the doctors and the OCD people all met up on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, also known as the Rocky steps, also known as the place my Mom works as a docent.
Sweet!








Then to cap it all off, they took a bus to Camp Ockanickon, a camp we used to go to when I was in (ahem) Girl Scouts. Which was nice, because, memories. It's also the first place I learned about the Jersey Devil and how he was going to come eat us if we didn't 'Shut the fuck up and go to sleep already!'

The show totally delivered. I don't want to ruin it for you but toilet seats were licked and pancakes were thrown up and in the end everyone was able to stop combing the fringe on their rug, use the toilet and eat food with their hands! Yay for everyone!

If you want a recap and more pictures, check it out!!

Sad meals :(

I'm half Jewish (my Mom always says the conversion didn't take) and all Jews are brought up to be food obsessed basket cases. Always wondering where their next meal will come from and what it will be. Of course since my Mom's a Lutheran my family always wonders the same thing about our next drink. At family functions I'm constantly worried over for not eating and drinking enough.
Which sounds weird, I know.

Anyway, yes I'm food obsessed but I've def taken it in a different direction than my sister who has the pizza place around the corner on her speed dial, my Mom who remembers every meal she had in ever restaurant in every city in the world, and my Dad who just wants to be left alone to eat curred meats and onions on everything.

My food habits are sad (I think). My diet is based on a complex metric of healthy-ness, low fat-ness, cheapness and how many dishes will have to be cleaned in the wake of cooking. I absolutely loath washing dishes, and I try not to create more than one or two dirty dishes per day. Keep in mind too, I'm eating all me meals at home since I have no work to go to.
This leads to me eating a high number of fake meat products and baby carrots.

Here are some (sad) examples of recent meals-

In fact the concept for this post came to me as I was eating breakfast this morning:
Coffee, low-fat cheese on low-fat crackers and some sugar snap peas.

Last night for dinner I had:
a strawberry mochi, 2 veggie hot dogs (no bun, no plate, no mustard) a hand full of crackers and later some fruit salad at Erin's graduation ceremony (way to go Erin!!)

Earlier in the day I had:
a Totino's frozen pizza (my weakness!) 2 veggie burgers (also no bun or condiments) and a low fat cheese stick.

This is actually too pathetic to go on with but you get the idea.
I remember Jake one time asking me what was my favorite restaurant in San Francisco, a city chock full of amazing restaurants, literally to the gills, and I said Herbivore because most of the meals are healthy and low fat and it's really cheap. Le sigh.
So uncultured.

Pretend Fabulocity

So, yes...in between jobs, on vacation, as Jason called it 'fun-employed'.
For the time being.

I've been doing a absolutely horrible job of picking out jobs for the past couple of years and I'm trying to make sure I don't fuck up again. Which, apparently, takes a few months.

Obviously there's a ton of perks to not working, principle among them being the fact that I don't have to work, but there is one great reason to go to work, and that is the $$$$$!!!!!!!!

Now I can pinch a penny till it runs crying for it's mother but I really fucking miss shopping. I know, it's materialistic and things don't make us happy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but I'm low and I'm covetous and probably empty inside. I want a new dress.


I want this dress.
and it's 40% off on Overstock and I still can't buy it. Yet.












I also want this dress, and likewise it's not going to happen.






It's pretend shopping, and it's just as fun as being outside enjoying the sunshine!!!$$$!!!






Lynda Barry's new book
'What it is'
How can you resist reviews like, "...puts TV’s The Wonder Years to shame.” —Entertainment Weekly

Plus Barry invented the best female comic book character ever MARLYS and you should all buy read and become obsessed with "The Greatest of Marlys"
NOW!!!




Um, since we're dreaming...
A 1945 auto photo booth, and it comes with all the chemicals and even has the original owner's manual! Can you lend me $16,500? Thanks, you're a pal!













What do you preffer? The Maltapoo, the Cockapoo or the Shihpoo?


















I know it's not an easy decision...I'm leaning towards the one that's hardest to pronounce.

The Double Die Penny, very rare. It can cost upwards of $1,000 but I think you'll agree, it's well worth it.












Can a stuffed Orangutan be too large? That's for the philosophers to decide. For me, I say no.




























Which is great, but now I need to find a sweet denim jacket so I can write 'If you can read this, you're too close' on the back in multi colored awesomeness.

Yes!! California Rules!

Same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry, the California Supreme Court ruled Thursday. -New York Times Online

Feel the Burn

One of my weird, private internet obsessions is reading really unflattering reviews. When Christmas with the Kranks came out I had a field day. Reviewers REALLY hated that movie. I mean they got poetic -

It's a holiday movie of stunning awfulness that gets even worse when it turns gooey at the end... What is the movie really about? I think it may play as a veiled threat against nonconformists who don't want to go along with the majority opinion in their community. What used to be known as American individualism is now interpreted as ominous. - Roger Ebert

Like the honey-glazed ham around which so much of its story sadly revolves, Christmas with the Kranks is tasty at first but soon congeals into little more than a fatty, gelatinous mess. - filmcritic.com

I could go on an on, but obv you can see that there's a sick and dorky sport to it.
So I decided to make BURN a semi regular feature where we can all make fun of people who try to be creative and make money but can't escape the harsh words of others.

For our 1st installment we'll be reviewing James Frey, of A Million Little Pieces, and Oprah's wrath fame's, new novel.
(There are literally no photo's of him anywhere on Google where he's not giving this wounded bird look. What's up with that,? I thought he used to be a hardened drug addict and criminal. Oh, right.)





Anyway, so this is his first actual novel and it's called Bright Shiny Morning. I haven't read it but I have been amusing myself reading reviews of it, so lets all enjoy!!

Imagine the movie Crash rewritten as a pastiche of Tom Wolfe, Bret Easton Ellis, and Jackie Collins — and you get a sense of the frustrating experience of reading this slack, self-indulgent mess. -Thom Geier for Entertainment weekly

"Bright Shiny Morning" is a terrible book. One of the worst I've ever read...an execrable novel, a literary train wreck without even the good grace to be entertaining...It's just one of the ironies of this new book that his fictionalized memoir is a better novel than "Bright Shiny Morning" could ever hope to be. - David L. Ulin for the LA Times

Janet Maslin actually liked it, and liked it enough to write her review in Frey's totally (to me) annoying and self conscious prose -
He wrote a book but it was bad, liar bad, faker bad, it got him in trouble. A million little pieces. It was the name of the book. It was also how hard he got hit. He had to sit there on the couch. Everybody saw. The television celebrity book club woman got mad, she let him have it. He had to sit there on the couch. He squirmed, he cringed. Everybody watched, everybody blamed him. Then it was over. Then he was gone.

Ugh, just say Oprah! Why say 'television celebrity book club woman' so, so, so, annoying! I urge you not to believe her.

I'm not transgendered

Which is, Duh, unless you never met me, which you may not have.
But I'm totally obsessed with gender identity issues.
No, I don't know why.

I mean gender is weird anyway. I had an ex boyfriend who lived in SF who was constantly trying to pressure me to act more girly, wear heals instead of sneakers, make-up, what have you. But at the same time in the East Bay I was considered way girly just for having highlights and wearing flowers in my hair and colors that weren't black.
So think about it.

Anyway, there's a great article in the Stranger (which is Seattle's free weekly, which I'm obsessed with bc Dan Savage, of Savage Love fame, is the editor. Not to over advertise but they also have a great column called I Anonymous which I also love.) this week about a straight dude who's totally not masculine in any way, shape, form and his quest to find out if that's something he should worry about. There's a great part where he hangs out with some drag kings and they dress him up like a 'man'.
Yes there's pictures.

Just for added whatever, here's an article from NPR today about two families with transgendered little boys and the two very different psychological and behavioral paths they took in order to deal with it. The family that tries to masculanize their son is so heart breaking (for me, maybe not for you)

"We would ask him, 'Can you draw a boy for us? Can you draw a boy in that picture?' ... And then he didn't really want us to see his drawings or watch him drawing because we would always say 'Can you draw a boy?'" Carol says. "And then finally after, I don't know, a month or two, he just said, 'Momma, I don't know how. ... I don't know how to draw a boy.'"


Okay and then last, last lastly to totally BLOW YOUR MIND an article in the NYT about Body Integrity Identity Disorder, meaning you feel that a part of your body (finger, leg, arm...) should not be there and needs to be amputated. Many proponents of greater understanding of the disorder have linked it with the (slightly) more acceptable idea of gender identity disorder.
But an obsessive desire for a limb amputation - one that drives people to cut off healthy arms and legs - tests the tolerance of even the most open-minded.

This article is 3 years old but it covers the basics.
Totally, totally, totally fascinating.

At my 2nd home, the gym

When you're unemployed, which I currently am, you have to find ways to fill the day.
It's also good to build in some easy successes since applying for jobs involves so much seemingly wasted energy and straight up rejection.
That's why I spend a lot of time at my gym.
It's not that nice (someone who shall remain nameless called it "too ghetto", forever causing a black X to appear over her face when ever it surfaces on my consciousness) but it's cheap and has good equipment and isn't to crowded except at after work hours.
I also like it because it has a weird and perfect cross section of of Downtown Oakland.
(cont. below after Oakland montage)











I know, I forgot Tupac, but I feel he's become more associated with So. Cal rap.

Anyway, the gym today was weird.
Or, I had a lot of strange interactions with my fellow Downtown Oakland 24hr Fitness members, some of which were in my head (not the people, the interactions).

1. Some dudes were fixing the wiring in the women's locker room when I got there meaning, sorry, but we have to change in the damp bathroom stalls that don't even have purse hooks.
Now I know I might be more laid back about such bumps in the road than others since I have nothing to do and no where to go, at no o'clock today, but some bitches were seriously stressing.
I thought unnecessarily, I mean come on, some perspective people.

There was one woman in particular, one of those early forties, unfortunate outfit, I work from home with my cats and if I don't get home in an hour to take my scrunchies out of the wash they're going to shrink and you know you can never get that mildew smell out of a wet scrunchie kind of women.
She probably goes to the gym for the same reason I do, to break up the day.
Anyway she was being a total bitch to the desk guys who do not have jurisdiction over what get's wired when.

2. In a bit of deja vu I saw this guy at the gym who I had seen yesterday on a bike by my house. Why would I remember him? Well first of all he was wearing the same black and red spandex outfit (or an identical one?). And secondly he had the most ungodly ridiculous body and that almost caused me walk out in to traffic to get a better look.

Sorry but girls notice that kind of thing too, even if it's wrapped in black and red spandex.

The weird thing was was that at the gym it was basically me and him in this side area, not a stretching area but an area with a bunch of machines and some bikes and stair steppers. Unconcerned with conventionality he was doing the most crazy ass stretching I have ever seen. It got totally Circe du Soleil, and I am so not lying.

Yes, he did this exact move

He was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and watching him back bend on to the ab machine was a VERY confusing experience. Was it gay, was it hot, was it all a show for me and the people on the stair steppers? He was wearing wrap around sun glasses and I did't want check out his face too much because I couldn't tell where he was looking, so I don't know if his face was hot or not.
Really weird.


3. When I was done with my work out and went back in the bathroom stalls to change into my street clothes I was accosted by a tiny, giggling, at least 70yr old Asian woman in a towel and flip flops, only. English, not so much, but a few more minutes of pointing and giggling and I figured it out. She wanted me to go into the locker room where the wiring guys were, go in to her locker and get her clothes so she could change in the relative privacy of the bathroom stalls.
Where in the locker room was this woman's locker?
That took a little longer, but it ended happily with her being able to get dressed and me not having to touch her underwear.

Yay!

To the EXTREME

2nd post and I wanted to talk about one of my favorite things.
It's amazing and it changed my life and it's called Redline.



OK, it has very scary marketing which self identifies it's formula as "this freaky scientific..breakthrough"
and it promises to harness the body's shivering and sweating power at the same time. Which obviously sounds horrifying.
I will also admit that the daily recommended dose of 4-6 caplets per day is frightening. I definitely would not attempt it unless you are in a hospital with defribulator paddles taped to your hands, AND you better hope those paddles are heavy because you are going to be in the mood to pump some serious iron.


Yeah, so what's so great about them?
Are you old? Not old, old in the conventional sense, but old like you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, and suddenly Hall and Oats is like the best band ever, and you're tired at 11:30 on Friday night?
Yeah, I'm that kind of old and I know 30's the new 21 but that's bullshit, stop fooling yourself. Just be glad you don't have to waitress anymore, or live with 300 people or whatever annoying thing you had to do back then.

Um, anyway, I don't care that 'Rich Girl' and 'I Can't go for That' are in heavy rotation, but my will to party does not always match up with my ability to party.
And sometimes you have to party.
The first time I encountered Red Line was an hour before Maggie and Tom's wedding. Jake and I were exhausted and Cormac, workout supplements whore slash afficionado, pushed the magic beans on us, and told us the first taste was free. (that's not verbatim what went down)

So yeah, it worked. Even though there was only wine and Sierra Nevada at the reception we stayed, we partied, we laughed, we cried, it was better than Cats.
You know what I mean?
I was like, "Awesome, this shit is awesome! Love it. For life!"
Jake on the other hand, was deeply disturbed by the experience, and I won't lie, his pupils were dilated for over a day. He does not share my love for Redline.

You're supposed to use Redline for working out. Now I love working out, but for me, two great tastes that do not taste great together. The few times I've attempted, I've pushed myself way past my limits and I always find myself sitting on a weight bench, grunting like a bull and on the verge of passing out.
I know, not a pretty picture, sorry.

As an aside, while I was visiting Dimitri in Phoenix, he told me he has a similar love for Hydroxycut. So we took Redline Friday night and Hydroxycut Saturday night and we both ended up cursing each other in the morning.
Hydroxycut is evil. Though I also blame the $2 vodka tonics and the novelty of being in a club attached to a Chinese liquor store.

So proceed at your own risk, especially if you're afraid of extended pupil dilation or easily impressed by bars in strip malls but my love is forever.

Hello and welcome friend!

I'm not "working" and so I'm getting "stupid" and "lazy".
That's a fact.
Or wait, not in like a provable math and science kind of way but I know what's up.
I know.

None the less I'm still psyched and such.
I will be sharing with you events from my life

example: I dreamed last night that I had participated in the Ms. Preteen New Jersey pageant (is there such a thing? I'm sure there is) and I went to a reunion. At said reunion a guy from high school who I had lust/disgust feelings for, we'll call him Mike, since that's his name, told me I was finally hot enough to fuck. I was like, 'uh, thanks, uh, I have a boyfriend' I didn't know what to say because I didn't know if that was meant as a really inappropriate invitation or as a really inappropriate compliment.
That mystery will remain unsolved

I will also share whatev I'm psyched on
examples: weight loss surgery, botched plastic surgery (really any kind of surgery) people with OCD and Tourettes, reality TV gossip, things that happen in the Bay Area, things that happen in Philadelphia and New Jersey, funny outfits and such.

Get my drift?
Sweet.

So... Here's my favorite woman in the world (not like in an Oprah, Ellen Sirleaf Johnson kind of way, you know)
Jocelyn Wilderstein. Must. Check. Out. This. Interview.

"You might be well advised during your convalescence to work up a few signals to replace the expressions you've lost in your face. (If of course the surgery is done right.) I twiddle the fingers on my left hand to show joy and use one finger on the right hand to express displeasure but you will have many isolated weeks to find symbols that work for you."

via happywomanmagazine.com

Ah-mazing