I Wish These Were My Problems

I think the problem is, I spend too much obsessing about how to get money, and all my money on lottery tickets. Money's important (obviously) but I should spend more time manifesting these kinds of nights too.

The kind of nights that have open flames, lesbian supermodels and tripple XL animal print jackets.

I'll write that into my New Years Resolution list along with better posture.

Avatar Make-up Tutorial

You may have seen this already but there's no way you've watched it more times than I have. I'm basically ready to drive to where ever this girl lives and force her to be my best friend. Like Misery style.

'You may have noticed the black lines they have on their faces. Each line represents...well it means something different for everyone. But in this case we'll say... how many times I said I was a virgin. 8 times isn't a lot. Neither is 10, okay"

To Amuse You

Is this a case of kicking a dog when it's down? Should I feel more sensitive to the beleaguered lot of the Republicans? Or should I just laugh, because, after all, isn't that what clowns are all about...bringing us joy?

via boingboing: Prominent Conservatives with photoshopped on clown makeup. Certainly no more offensive than the photoshopping that goes on in most women's mags. (ouch! Sorry, I hadn't filled my boner-killer quotient for the week.)

You really have to respect the artistry here. I mean, you can, like, see the stubble on Newt's cheek. Check out the flickr page of the genius behind this little piece of heaven.

My New BFF

Maybe you know Michelle Rodriguez from being faster and furiouser, or from getting shot on Lost by the guy in the wheel chair on Oz but let it be known that she's one fun bitch to party with.

Check this Page Six description of her at her BFF, Giancarlo Chersich's wedding:

At the welcome dinner...Rodriguez pushed fully clothed guests into the pool. The next night, she broke up the bachelorette party yelling that the stripper was "fat and had a small [bleep]."

Rodriguez was ticked off when the dancer asked for a volunteer at the beginning of his routine and then made the willing babe kneel down. "That's bull[bleep]," the sexy star yelled. "He should be kneeling for her; this is a bachelorette party."

As the stripper began gyrating and pushing his crotch into the bride-to-be's face, Rodriguez yelled, "This is the kind of thing that brings out the bisexual in me." She left in a huff.

Behind the Scabbies!

Whatever, I know it's not good for, well probably anyone, but Rock of Love tour bus is the awesomest thing ever. Diablo Cody feels me on this subject.

Sigh, it's over now and the reunion show was boring because of it's glaringly small apportionment of my party girls Ashley and Farrah (in the pink and black respectively) Actually I strongly advise you watch the episode that this screen shot is from. I think you'll understand where I'm coming from when you see Ashley repeatedly demand a cheeseburger, barf, correctly claim, 'Barf happens' incorrectly claim, 'Pooping yourself happens' and awesomely declare, 'I barf on your mom, she loves it.'
Watch act 3 starting at the 5:15 mark and then the 1st minute of Act 4. Thank me later.

Anyway, the reunion. Boring!!! But the behind the scenes blog is pretty amusing since it brings up old glories like when Gia put a shot of alcohol in her vagina, when Brittanya spat on Season 1's Heather and how Marcia always smelled like Doritos and Patron and tried to pull Bret's wig off.

Ah, memories.

Thankfully almost all of them will be showing up on Charm School 3 with Ricki Lake. Yay!!

I also humbly suggest you read, 'Hanging with the Blondourage' which is just a weird stream of consciousness with Ashley and Farrah.
Ashley: I was doing an event in Florida and I ordered porn in my room, and the guy who was hosting the event paid for it. He didn’t say anything about it because it was a weird porn. It was like lesbians on tricycles.

Snoop's Triumph Over Twitter

Snoop celebrates after learning how to upload live video over Twitter.



I mean how do you spend your late Thursday afternoons?
By the way, it only took me a year to type 'embed video' into the blogger help section. How should I celebrate??

Amazing Older Lady Alert

Apparently, there's a wackiest dresser in Brittan award and this young-ish lady, Su Pollard, has won. Congrats Su.
My favorite thing about Su is how she has the face, hair and glasses of a mom bringing cupcakes and fruit juice to your 5th grade homeroom, the legs of an underfed 25 year old and the style of an amature clown prostitute.
What's not to like.
Check out some of her more legendary looks here.

Other Blog Shout Out Times 2!

Wondering what Michelle Obama's arms are thinking?? Here's your chance to hear from the source that her 'biceps are all about bipartisanship'
First Guns












And only slightly lest substantive, Cute and Cuter, which is just pictures of good looking men with either pets or little kids. Basically this is what real porn for women would look like. It lights up the elusive but powerful sex, nurture and surfing quadrant of our brains.
Now if they could only make these dang computer screens scratch and sniff. Feel me sisters?

Kurt and That Bitch Who Wasn't Me

If you're a girl (woman) in her late 20s early 30s chances are you're still mad that your mom threw out all your Sassys when you went to college.
I am. Mom.

This cover is probably their most famous since Kurt played a big part in all of our collective sexual maturation. By which I mean serious wet panties.
Sigh! Plus nobody but nobody could get Kurt on the cover of a magazine at that time. Adorably Kurt loved Sassy and had gotten his little half sister a subscription. Aw.

Christina Kelly, the lucky bitch who got to interview Kurt (and Courtney) for that issue, is interviewed today on I Heart Daily cause this April is the 15th anniversary of Kurt's death. (!!!)
There's nothing really new in it but it's nice to remember being 16 and horny.

The orig interview is actually much more interesting and I Heart Daily was nice enough to scan it so go ahead, indulge yourself!

A Million Sorries!

I know I've been beyond out of the loop, a bad mommy, and ruler in absentia for far too long. I'm going to try harder, be funnier, and look prettier from here on out.

Mea culpa:
Uh, no, I don't know what's going on here. What are we to believe is happening to her crotch?

Terminator-a-fication?
Is it turning into a Disney's the Jungle Book snack kiosk for adults?

I tend to trust her so I'm just going to assume that it's a Lisa Frank, Matthew Barney collaboration.
FINALLY!

What Would Bob Barker Do?

Retire. Hang out with Tom Bergeron and his dog, and keep that bottle of tequila close at hand.

What Wouldn't Bob Barker do?? Watch 'The Price is Right'.

Throw in, 'become that weird lady who buys 40 lottery tickets every day' and you have my retirement plan too!!

Oh, Kanye!

Kanyes say the craziest shit!
I know, I know! He's so full of himself he never has room for jello, and he's sex obsessed to the point of programing a Super Mario Bros style video game at 9, featuring a penis with arms and legs who, like, battles ghost vaginas, BUT he wears great outfits and his crazy town always puts a smile on my face.
Ghost vaginas.

Here's my new favorite bout of boastful braggadocio from Yahoo, via E! online:

"I have, like, nuclear power, like a superhero, like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on."

Um, glass? Monocle??

Mini

Miniatures.
Check out my bgf Maggie's new blog, The Littles, devoted to the lives of her miniatures. The whole blog was inspired by the Oakland Airport so you know you're in for something special!

Talk About a Time Waster!!!

OMG!
As you may or may not know, the only thing that makes Harper's Magazine more savory than a low fat, whole grain biscuit is it's Index section. Every month it lists randomly connected stats, numbers, factoids and what not.
Not enough reason to buy the damn thing, but diverting if you find one in your friend's bathroom.

So what's great??
Harper's just launched a searchable Index, and it's probably the best time waster I've ever found. You just type in a word and hit search and it comes up with every random fact that relates and the date it was published.

Here's a few choice one's for 'fat':--------------------------

1/90Estimated amount of fat surgically removed from Americans in 1988, in pounds: 200,400

American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons (Arlington Heights, Ill.)/Gerald Pitman (N.Y.C.)

Estimated amount of silicone and collagen implanted in Americans in 1988, in pounds: 63,250

2/95Average amount of fat consumed by an American adult each week, expressed in sticks of butter: 6

National Center for Health Statistics (Hyattsville, Md.)

6/02Days the University of Georgia heated its campus last winter by burning chicken fat and other leftover food grease: 21

University of Georgia (Athens, Ga.)

11/03Grams by which the amount of fat in McDonald’s fattiest salad exceeds that in its fattiest burger: 3

McDonald’s (Oak Brook, Ill.)

8/05Selling price in June for a bar of soap allegedly made from the liposuctioned fat of Silvio Berlusconi: $18,000
-----------------------------------------------------

The Obama one is kind of hysterical, and the fun just doesn't end people! Go forth and time waste friends.

I'm also posting a link in Time Suck so you don't have to search it out later!

Jigga, Aw!!

I haven't really wanted to say anything about the whole RiRi, Chris Brown monstrosity because, it's really sad and I like to steer away from that kind of thing here.
Plus it's private (or should be). Plus, plus now I can't enjoy 'Hearts all over the world' the way I used to.
Sniff.

So why am I crying about it now?
Because I just wanted to share a quote from one half my #1 favorite couple of all time, all places, and all dimensions.

Tell the people what you think Jay-Z:

"This is a real situation...You have to have compassion for others. Just imagine it being your sister or mom and then think about how we should talk about that...I just think we should all support her. She's going through a tough time. You have to realize she's a young girl, as well. She's very young."

Beyonce, you're a very lucky woman.
I mean really, Beyonce should go to church every day 'cause she also gets to be gorgeous and make the best party songs.

OMG, MIA, B.A.B.Y

No pictures yet (obvi) but MIA gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday!!
Yay!!

I'd pull text but it's the usual, aw, adorable, perfect, blah, blah, blah miracle such and such.
I am, however, REALLY looking forward to what she dresses the little peanut in so stay tuned for that.

ps. I hope you don't think I used this image out of anything but respect for the awesomeness that is MIA. I mean, I realize she's a little bent over but the outfit and make up are amaze! Right?

Tina Fey Cured My Astigmatism

I was a little drunk when I watched 30 Rock last night but even through the haze I was like, 'Damn, I can't believe how much product placement they gave McDonalds with this McFlurry bullshit!'

But I understand, this is how my favorite scripted and reality (especially reality) shows get made in a post Tivo world.

But then!!! On a flaxen haired unicorn Tina Fey rides in to dispel my jaderade:

"It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the references to McDonald's in last night's episode of 30 Rock were in no way product placement. (Nor were they an attempt at product placement that fell through.) We received no money from the McDonald's Corporation. We were actually a little worried they might sue us. That's just the kind of revenue-generating masterminds we are.

Also, the upcoming story line where Liz Lemon starts dating Grimace is just based on a recurring dream I have.

Seriously, though, it's not product placement.

Also, whoever is writing my Twitter account is pretty funny, but it's not me."

-Tina Fey

Aw! Tiny authentic tear!!

PS. I know, Salma's rack is near-mythical

I Wish I Was MIA

I mean, I don't wish I was pregnant, but if I was pregnant, I wish I could be this cool while I did it.