Ironic Hell

You know how in that movie Defending Your Life, when you're in the way-station between life and the afterlife you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight? Meryl Streep eats like 7 pies in a row, and that's always been a sad little fantasy of mine. Uh, but then I read about Lizzie Velasquez, who's living the dream, shoving fries and cake down her throat all day without gaining a pound.

But it's not as cute as you'd think, or I'd like to imagine in my elaborate pizza filled fantasies. She literally has zero (and I'm not talking hyperbolically here) percent body fat. Lizzie eats 8,000 calories a day but only weighs 62 pounds! That's obviously a picture of her over there. Of course instantly scientists want to find whatever gene or chromosome or whatever allows this to happen because, OMG WE COULD ALL BE THIN!

It's a two parter so make sure you read both.

Lizzie's plight, which she claims to enjoy (despite strangers knocking on her parents door to demand they feed their daughter) reminds me of women who have PGAD. For those not as obsessed with bizarre medical disorders as I am, that's persistent genital arousal disorder which is pretty much what it sounds like. These ladies are constantly turned on, 24/7, and are in need of rubbing one out up to 100 times a day.

Sounds pretty good in theory, and fertile ground for cracking wise, but not exactly convenient for those who need to go to work, pick the kids up at day care, or hug our relatives and anything else without mortifying sexual results. If you're like me and need more, more, more, about the heart break of PGAD click here and here and here. You are welcome.

Just For Fun

In happier times, MJ was a friend to all, who knew how to have a good time.

Squirrels, Squirrels, Squirrels!

Sadly, LIFE magazine is all, "oh that picture is copywrited, you can't just take it and do what you please with it." So I'm going to have to use some serious powers of persuasion to get you to move your finger slightly in order to click on this link to see squirrel fashion plate, Tommy Tucker, dressed in the very best WWII era fashions. Yes, I said that.

Tommy (who later becomes a crossdresser) was rescued and domesticated by a DC woman in the 1940s.

Of course, I would never leave you totally pictureless. Here's a picture of 1980's subway vigalante, Bernie Goetz, with a squirrel friend. Since getting away with shooting 4 unarmed teenagers on a NYC subway he's

gone on to be an outspoken advocate for vegetarianism and a friend to urban squirrels. He builds them little houses to weather the winters and runs a squirrel infirmary out of his apartment. Uh, yay?

First Unlimited Porn, Now This

So you probably already know about Munchausen syndrome where someone makes themselves really sick to get attention, or the more popular Munchausen by proxy where someone makes their kid really sick to get attention. (Like that scene in The Sixth Sense) And if you're like me you're already obsessed with the disease. It seems that the pervasive anonymity of the internet along with easy access to online info about diseases and their symptoms has driven these Munchauseners into productive fits of glee. You've probably already heard at least one story about someone who faked being chronically sick on an internet forum for attention, but check out this totally fascinating breakdown in Obit Magazine of Munchausen by internet.

The files of chroniclers of such hoaxes...contain the case of a women who had a “friend” write that she had died when, in truth, the woman did not want to hand over patterns she had promised to members of her online knitting group.

What? Yes!

Oh and if you like advice column's I definitely suggest checking out Obit's Ask Judy. Really puts your problems into perspective.

Real Crime

Absolutely chilling, but 100% true story in this month's Vanity Fair about a private dick tracking down a serial rapist. Not to be read before bed or checking into the Miami Dade Airport Regency Hotel.

New in Brain Sharing Twins

Yeah, it's what you think it is, two and a half year old Canadian, craniopagusly

conjoined twins. They're obviously joined at the head but they also share part of their brain. Scientists think they maybe able to share thoughts and look out of each other's eyes. Freaky! Grow up already and learn to talk Tatiana and Krista (horrible names even for non conjoined twins) I need to know everything about you.

In case you were wondering, here are the world's oldest conjoined twins, Ronnie and Donnie Gaylon. Their father made his living charging thrill seekers to watch the twins sitting in a trailer watching TV. They were allowed to retire in 1991.

Dude, Make Love, Not War

I think the ruling cultural wisdom on war is that for any semi-formed society, it's just inevitable. Deal with it, tree hugger. But check out this article in Scientific American about Margaret Meads' take down of all those jerk neo-Darwinists.

In discussing the Eskimos Mead distinguished between individual and group violence. Eskimos were "not a mild and meek people," she noted. They engaged in "fights, theft of wives, murder, cannibalism," often provoked by fear of starvation. "The personality necessary for war, the circumstances necessary to goad men to desperation are present, but there is no war."

Super interesting.

Life

Stop. Snookie Time!

Do I have to explain who Snookie is? Even my friend Sam who prides himself on knowing nothing about TV said she was the best thing he ever saw. She's absolutely endlessly quotable on the Jersey Shore. I could easily quit my job and just spend 40hr a week compiling lists of quotes and animated gifs of her, but I need the money so that isn't going to happen. Plus Rich already does that at FourFour.

I do however want to clue you in to the pure joy that is following Nicole Polizzi (aka Snookie) on twitter. I follow a lot of reality TV people on twitter (no judgement!) but most of them are beyond innane. I get it, you're awake and headed to Malibu, your dog is your best friend, and you're getting ready to go to da club.

Please enjoy sampling of Snookie's wit and wisdom from the past 4 days.

- lol every car that I pass people just look miserable. I'm about to fist pump outa the window to put some smiles on these new yorkers

-i think im the only person that would lose her nose ring while dancing. it legit flew out =( damnit (-_-)

- wow this cop broad loves to ride that horse down 8th ave...easyyy

- can I just have a week off so I can escape upstate to relax & rip it on the snowmobile? k thanks

- shamwow guy says were gonna love his nuts. I don't think so

- a bird just attacked this guys ass in the airport lmao wtf goes on

- i like tribal tattoos! Yum

-i forgot my clips! no poof tonight! =( still goin wild tonight! yay ft laud

-gettin ready and goin down to the cascino to fist pump with the 900 senior citizens here @hardrock

- just did the weather for the tristsate area! its gonna snow pickles tuesday. Now to Inside Edition to do Snooki makeover

That's weird, it's not snowing pickles here...

Clerks

I saw Clerks when I was 16 and it changed my life forever. Well it changed my life for the next 2 summers because I spent them working at convenience stores in Jersey.
Because Clerks made being a clerk seem cool. Apparently no amount of seeing myself in my smock could convince me otherwise.

Nothing exciting like having sex with a dead guy in the bathroom ever happened (thankfully). For $5.15/hr (no breaks) I smoked cigarettes, sucked the nitrous out of the Redi Whip cans in the walk in and birthed a disasterous lottery habit.

You can't win if you don't play people!



PS. Totally starting a metal band called 'Fuck You Yankee Blue Jeans'

Tequilla!!!

A western New York woman is accused of mixing up a batch of antifreeze-laced margaritas for her live-in boyfriend, who died four days after drinking the toxic cocktail.

Plus, they're really high in calories and give you a wicked hangover.

I Wish These Were My Problems

I think the problem is, I spend too much obsessing about how to get money, and all my money on lottery tickets. Money's important (obviously) but I should spend more time manifesting these kinds of nights too.

The kind of nights that have open flames, lesbian supermodels and tripple XL animal print jackets.

I'll write that into my New Years Resolution list along with better posture.

Kathy Griffen + L&O SVU = Amazing

Not sure who Kathy will be playing in her guest roll on SVU but one thing's for sure, if there are any sharks left to jump on SVU (doubtful) Kathy will hunt them down, and jump them like an elderly tourist in the wrong neighborhood at midnight.

Here are her tweets from the set:
Today was my 1st day of filming SVU. Why does Chris Meloni keep offering me lube?
and
On set, here at SVU. Ugh, can't decide who I should make my sex tape with? Meloni, Hargitay or Ice T. I've had solid offers from all three.

Meloni obviously, didn't you see him on Oz. He had his shirt off a lot. Plus you know Ice T is in to some freaky shit, and Hagitay's a mom. You just can't go lesbian for the 1st time with a mom. Too weird.


















(Yes, I'm very aware that I have horrible taste in television)

YouTube is Forever

I watched the 1st episode of the new Bachelor last night.

I think it's hard to to put too fine a point on how mortifying it must be to be one of the female contestants. The kind of humiliation that can only be matched by peeing on a school trip in 3rd grade, being called pee pants by everyone you know till you're 18, when you leave town and never look back. You won't even facebook friend anyone from your home town. That bad.

I mean being The Bachelor isn't exactly a shame free experience.

















THIS is the Bachelor. What a cheese-monger right? Plus he's a pilot so they've sub headed this season, 'On the Wings of Love'

The very 1st night 25 women in shiny, sparkly dresses get out of limos, try to have a magical moment with the Bachelor, get drunk, body snark each other, spew sexual innuendo and cry. Then after 6hrs of drinking, 10 of them get booted out the house.
Great for me, a lifetime on YouTube for them.

Think I'm exaggerating? Here's the 21st through 24th women the Bachelor met that night, and the cringe inducing way they came up with to 'stand out in his mind'.
Shiver.

(by the way, YES, these are pictures I took of my TV. Don't you dare judge me.)














Girl #21 said, 'I want to tell you something,' followed by 30 sections of Cambodian which he (obviously) didn't understand.

That was her whole thing. She thought he'd just be so dying to learn what she said that he'd keep her around for 4 more days. Really?

Except it turns out that what she said was, 'Jake you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime'. Because he's a pilot.
So, touche, but also, ew.















Girl #22 made, MADE, a 3rd grade art project of desperation for this guy. Who is a stranger.

It was supposed to show, like, all the different reasons he should pick her or where they were going to go on vacation...don't know, doesn't matter.

The woman photoshoped their pictures together, pasted them on to a twister wheel, flew it to LA, brought it into the limo, made a strange man spin it and then brought it into a televised 'cocktail party'. What kind of person thinks that's okay.

She also (cringe) changed into a 'sexy' flight attendant costume during the 'party'. Because he's a pilot. #22, he sees stewardesses every day at work, it's like dressing up as a rack of lamb on your 1st date with a butcher.















The very first thing Girl #23 told the Bachelor was that she was already totally and completely obsessed with him.

When he was on the Bachelorette last season she would throw a pajama party with her friends each week just to watch him. They'd practice their first names with his last name and kiss the back of their hands and draw pictures of him on a unicorn and just swoon.

Why don't you just tell him you have a urinary tract infection. That's not even playing kind of hard to get.















And Girl #24, well she brought a basket full of single serving size jelly beans. Why? To hand out to the women who get kicked off before her. As a nakedly bitchy parting gift.

Not only does she try to seduce the Bachelor with this information (which, how?) she hands them out early during the 'cocktail party' to intimidate the more emotionally fragile of the group.
She is obviously going to be the 'I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to find love' Girl. But for now she's just Girl #24

These are only the girls from the 4th limo!

I really can't tell what's going on here. Does something happen to you in the process of being recruited for this show, like do they put something in the bottled water that warps your brain? Or is the casting dept just really, really good at finding and recruiting extremely beautiful, marriage hungry women with exceptionally low self esteem? Or, god have mercy on us all, are there just a lot of women out there who are like this?

If you know, please tell me.

Avatar Make-up Tutorial

You may have seen this already but there's no way you've watched it more times than I have. I'm basically ready to drive to where ever this girl lives and force her to be my best friend. Like Misery style.

'You may have noticed the black lines they have on their faces. Each line represents...well it means something different for everyone. But in this case we'll say... how many times I said I was a virgin. 8 times isn't a lot. Neither is 10, okay"

Question of the Day

Don't you think American weddings would be a little more exciting if unsheathed daggers and AK-47s were more common? Just saying.

This Yemeni Wedding looks like it's going somewhere further than veiled insults to the bride disguised as a toast.

I Love Mariah Carey!

And being drunk and winning an award looks fun. I'm planning a similar speech for my Pulitzer.



PS. Very excitingly my friend Wynter was in the restaurant while Mimi was getting trashed. So jealous, Wynter!! You can starfuck along with her on Twitter. Reccomended.

Set Your Voyerism to 'Stun'!

As a gift to the people of the world, VH1 has posted the entire 1st episode of Celebrity Rehab 3 on their website. Yes, the best show to drink bourbon and abuse drugs to (after Intervention of course) is back. My hands are shaking, my throat is dry, I'm paranoid, and all I want is to drink a 2 liter of Mountian Dew and take my bike apart. It's all very exciting.

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

As you can see from the preview, the cast is amazing! Being on Celebrity Rehab is what caused Mackenzie Phillips to come out about boning with her Dad on Oprah. With results like that you know it's going to be a good one. Also very excited about Dennis Rodman (you are too if you watched him on Celebrity Apprentice) and Heidi Fliess aka the Hollywood madam.

Here's Dennis's boardroom intervention. Thanks Donald!

RIP Casey Johnson

Nobody wants to die alone only to be found 5 days latter by their maid. AND nobody wants to be memorialized by a flame war between the 2 biggest whores on the internet.
Also can we all stop using the word wifey. Especially in conjunction with hyphy.

Wipe the dirty taste of lonely and untimely death out of your eyeballs with this old Vanity Fair profile on Casey Johnson and her feud with her even richer older aunt over a man. It has money, sex, betrayal, eccentric rich people and Michael Bolton (but only a little Michael Bolton). But it's not totally gross, just juicy, trust me.

Fun fact: Casey got her 1st pair of handmade snake-skin pumps at 11. First pair of handmade snake-skin pumps is totally the new first time you went to 2nd base.

Just No

Look, I'm 100% on the band waggon for being obsessed with the Jersey Shore. Not only is the show great but I've had many formative sexual experiences there.

Plus, I only found this little gem because I follow Snookie on Twitter. (and the Situation and Pauly D)

Yeah, NOT EMBARRASSED.

I also like Michael Cera, not sexually but he's clearly adorable.
However this combo is no peanut butter and jelly. It's more peanut butter and uncomfortably long hug from your boyfriend's male relative.

There are somethings that just don't taste right together, people. Stop trying to cross polinate everything.