Mixed messages much???

Well yes it IS an abstinence thong.
If you can't see, it says 'Earn your right to wear white'. And fyi it's not a vagina, it's your 'under-goodie'.

We've come full circle people. In tonight's production of the rapture the 4 horsemen will be played by the Queer Eye gays and they'll be riding Teletubbies. And I will give 1 MILLION (fake) DOLLARS to anyone who can draw me a picture.

Ah! That's more like it! Sweatpants always say, 'Let's just hold on a minute.'











'Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder'
Wait, I'm confused again. Are they saying, if we hadn't had sex we wouldn't have this stinkin' baby?? Or are they telling the baby not to have sex? Or are they just saying, you'll like this baby better if you don't molest it? Sorry I know that's gross but they totally started it!!!

Oakland, the sunny side of the bay

A lot of times people (people who live outside Oakland) think I live in Oakland only because I lack the funds to live elsewhere. That, given the chance, I'd move to SF. They usually try to commiserate with me or tell me about their friend who's subletting a room in some part of the city I would never want to live.
Well, such people need to step. I have many metric tons of Oakland pride and wouldn't move to the city even if I did have gobs of money. Which I obvs don't, but whatever.

I also tend to think my neighborhood is very safe. Of course everyone thinks their neighborhood is safe. My friend who's seen 3 murders on her street, and I mean on her block, including one corpse IN THE STREET, worries about parking on my street over night.

In fact I was giving her and my other friend and the bf a big indignant speech how living below Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd doesn't always indicate shady times no matter what Chris Rock says, when our friend called to say he'd just been punched in the face right on my doorstep!! And for no worse crime than being dressed dorky and having a basket on his bike.
Heh, dork.
Anyway I never got punched, my car's never been broken into and no one's ever said anything worse to me than 'damn you look sexy today' and really, that's kind of nice.

HOWEVER I checked out this interactive map of homicides in Oakland this year, and there have been 3 murders within 3 blocks of my house. Gulp.





And then I read this choice quote from the East Bay Express's crime blotter. Note for non East Bayers: Piedmont is a town that's basically inside Oakland, but became it's own thing when it realized it was full of money and didn't want it's taxes going into Oakland's coffers.

Between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m. on July 5, Piedmont police records show reports of a house being egged, a loud leaf-blower, a blocked driveway, two off-leash dogs, a car parked too long, "a suspicious person carrying a plastic bag," a dead rat, and a dead cat. That's it. Within those same hours in Oakland, police records show five shootings, an assault with a deadly weapon, three armed robberies, a strong-arm robbery, an assault with a deadly weapon, and an unexplained death. That's it.

Oh is that all?

TGIF!

The (no longer) pregnant man's baby!!!
Have a super weekend!

Books I cannot WAIT to read!!!!!!!!

It's no secret that in my head I'm a gay, black man. It's a source of constant disappointment to wake up a straight, white, woman every day, but I just listen to a little Mariah Carey, I get centered and it's all okay.
Point?? I ordered Hiding in Hip Hop today from Amazon. Yay!

The only problem is there were totally rumors that he was going to name names and apparently HE DOESN'T.
Gay!
I'll read it and try to figure out who's who - I'm looking at YOU Babyface!

Secondly, OMG, guess who else has a tell all????? One of the last people you ever wanted to see naked, but then ended up watching at least half of the sex tape.
Not Vern Troyer. Yes, Dustin 'Screech' Diamond! Supposedly they were all having sex all the time on SBTB but I have to believe that he knows that only because of accidentally walking in on the other actors, not because he was involved.
Sorry but Zac and Slater are more than hot enough for 3 chicks.

I know this is the 2nd thing I've scammed off Radar in as many posts but damn, they got the goods! I'm actually going to give you all the copy they got from the publisher because I don't want you to unnecessarily stress your clicking fingers. Enjoy!

On the face of it, I am no more qualified to take my own inventory than the chick from Punky Brewster who shows up on Entertainment Tonight or The Insider every five years or so. Ask her how she wound up repeating the same old anecdotes to Billy Bush again, and she may have an answer, but she doesn't really know and probably couldn't bear it if she did.

To be a washed-up actor best known for a show which ended in 1993 is to be something of a cognitive acrobat. You spread versions of yourself around, giving each person the truth he or she needs—you need, actually—to keep yourself in the public eye, no matter how much mockery it entails or how diminishing the returns. Let's stipulate that I do not have a good memory, having recklessly sautéed my brain in fistfuls of craft services M&M's. Beyond impairment, there may be no more unreliable narrator than a washed-up actor. Recovered or not, I am someone who used my mouth to constantly create one more opportunity to get publicity.

Here is what I deserved: a small cameo on NYPD Blue when the Goss was on it, a mid-afternoon radio show in a minor market, and then a total fade-out leading to complete anonymity punctured by soul-crushing loneliness and, at best, a cashier's job at a dry cleaning supplies store.

Here is what I got: A poorly-received sex tape, a slot on Season Six of Celebrity Fit Club, and the deal for this book.

But I suppose you're not interested in my musings on the vagaries of fate. You'd rather just hear about the part where I was up to my nuts in Principal Belding's guts while Kelly Kapowski blew lines off of Mario Lopez's cock. Man, they never let us back into that Bennigan's again. Anyway, here's what happened.

Pandrogeny? That's a new one even for me...

I looked this all up and down the internets but it seems that this is, as of yet, a newly invented what, idea? Identity disorder? Conceptual art piece? I have no idea. It looks as though pandrogeny was invented by one Genesis P-Orridge and his late spiritual wife, other half, what have you, Lady Jaye Bryer.

You see, "The idea behind pandrogeny, as they called it, was for two people to literally become each other—or to come as close as possible. At first, it was a matter of simply dressing alike, going in for the same hairstyle, getting Jaye a set of contact lenses to match Gen's eyes. But that wasn't enough. The Valentine's Day operation gave them matching breast implants, size C. Later, Jaye had her eyes and nose done, and got a chin implant, to resemble Gen. Gen received cheek enhancements and a lip job. At one point, they looked into the idea of smoothing over their belly buttons, like angels."

Like angels!
So obviously you're going to read this article in Radar anyway, but the weirdo surgery part isn't even the half of it!

This dude Genesis is kind of amazing, but have you ever heard of him??? I haven't.
He's epic though, apparently his first band, Throbbing Gristle (awesome name or what?!!?) basically invented industrial music. No, I don't like that shit either and when hear, "Reportedly, some performances featured frequencies so low they induced vomiting" and "If it weren't for Throbbing Gristle, people like Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor would never have existed at all." I don't exactly get all hot and bothered to download that shit off iTunes.

But!!! There's more wacky to this article than you can shake a dildo at. Genesis has sex on stage, eats his own feces, throws it up and then eats the vomit, rides around in a baby carriage thinking up new art movements and, for some reason, crashes at Winona Ryder's parent's house when she was a kid.
I won't even get into how he gets married. Hint, it almost kills him.

Oh, also here's his personal website incase you can never get enough half crazy art-speak.

More reasons to sit quietly in your chair

Have you seen the movie Air Guitar Nation??? It's a documentary about the US's first National Air Guitar Championships and features our first emissary (this guy C.Diddy (ne David Jung)) to the World Championships in Finland.
He looks ridiculous (obvi) but you should really see him shred, it's kind of amazing. The movie has a kind of King of Kong feel, if you've seen it. Note to self: they'd make a great double feature.

Anyway, since the doc came out the US National Air Guitar Championships have become a big deal, or at least well attended and competitive.
This is no cake walk people! Skills are needed, stops must be pulled out, plates must be stepped up too, and everything must be left on the stage.

So TO THE EXTREME this past weekend at the Brooklyn Regionals Bettie B. Goode (ne Taryn Kapronica) rocked out so hard she bent her toe off.
Yes off.
It had to be amputated. She says:
"By the time I hit the ground and looked down, my toe was pretty much gone and just hanging from a thread." Blood dripping across the stage, she continued to play finish her air cover of Scorpion's "Rock You Like a Hurricane," saying "I just kept on air guitaring".

'Rock you like a Hurricane' RULES!!! Good choice Bettie!

This is not Bettie's first Air injury. No, no. Back in June in Philadelphia (yo!) she jumped on the judges table, knocked over their drinks, slipped in the spilled booze, fell off the table and cracked her tailbone. Whoops! It did get her advanced to the next round though. She also handles getting mad groped when she stage dives, which women performers rarely do (you know because of the groping) because she's that devoted to her craft.
Think about reading the whole article from the link, she's pretty hardcore, plus you can learn about air guitars elusive soul, 'airness'.

Now I'm pissed that I missed the SF Championships last month at the Independent, sounds like a real party.
What a fool, sigh.