I've Never Irrationally Wanted Something So Much in my Life

OMG, dorky must have oil painting!!!

Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy in BBC's Pride and Prejudice. From fake Pemberly hall to my studio apartment for a mere 7000 pounds.

That's only $10,523.60!!!

The Unbearable Dickishness of Being

Ugh!!! I knew it!!!!!
Milan Kundera is a RAT!!!

I used to be super into Kundera in high school and college. Reading him made me feel international and smartly and snooty, which I really liked back then.

The last book I read of his was 'The Joke' while I was in Prague back in 2000. Kind of a no brainer to read Kundera in the Czech Republic cause he's their most famous writer, duh.
I just ended up getting tired of him though bc he obvi has issues with women and his men characters are so so super narcissistic.

Uh, for instance, one of the jokes of 'The Joke' has this middle aged lady getting tossed off by her husband for a younger woman. Then she tries to seek revenge by sleeping with his rival, but during he gets grossed out cause her body is all old. Then she tries to commit suicide by taking a handful of aspirin but SURPRISE! They're laxatives, and in the last scene she's rushing to the bathroom and shits all over everything, in front of every one. OMG hilarious!!!

Anyway so Kudera misogynist, but what's new, the dude is almost 80 so that's like a given.

BUT WAIT! Because of 'The Joke' and a lot of his other writings Kundera's been seen as a mascot for anti-totalitarianism and has been pretty outspoken against Communism both before and after the Russian Invasion in '68.

Today though, word is out that in his early 20's he informed on a Western secret agent to the Czech secret police!!! The agent was arrested, and could have been put to death but was instead sent to work in a URANIUM MINE for 14 fucking years.

WTFuck Milan!!??!! That's super shitty! You suck!

Lady Chatterley's Lov-ah...Is a Huge Dick

I'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover on my commute, I'm very into the whole, 'dead white guy' genre, and it's one of those ones you should read. Right?

So through the whole thing I've been totally on the side of Connie's eponymous lover, the studly grounds keeper, and against her husband, the Proust spouting imperialist cripple. I mean, Lawrence makes it pretty clear who you're supposed to like, it's not rocket science.

HOWEVER! This morning Mellors (studly grounds keeper) went off on a RANT about all the ways women can be horrible in bed which encompass every single sexual encounter he's had.
Mellors and I are no longer cool, I don't care how many times he bathes himself in the wood on a spring morning!

Here's the list of ways women can suck at sex, as I see them, followed by a doozie of of a racial epithet!

1. The 'old fashioned sort' who don't want sex but will lie still and take it and then be nice to you afterwards. He hates that.

2. The kind of woman who pretends to like sex but doesn't. Doesn't like that either.

3. Women who love sex and foreplay but won't let you come inside them. Unnatural!

4. Women who can't come from sex alone and need to get themselves off. The worst kind, they're 'a hard sort'. He uses 'beak' to describe their vagina's like 8 times.

5. Women who are dead inside.

And, drum roll please.....

6. Lesbians. "I could kill them. When I'm with a woman who's really a Lesbian, I fairly howl in my soul wanting to kill her."

Uh, totally not the worst part. Here's how he ends the conversation, "I thought there was no real sex left: never a woman who'd really come naturally with a man (meaning when he comes) except maybe black women, and somehow, well, we're white men: and they're a bit like mud."

Yikes Mellors! When Connie goes to visit her family in Venice she should totes stay. Both of these dudes SUCK!!!

Lady Chatterley's Luv-ah!

Hehe, I was watching the 1st season of Mad Men last night and in one scene the secretary pool is all giggling over a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover. They lend it to the new girl with the admonishment, 'Don't read it on the train, people will get the wrong idea about you.'

That's funny to me because I'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover and I ONLY read it on the train. I wish I could have scanned in the cover of the copy I'm reading because it's this really amazing stylized drawing of a woman all in black except for one pink nipple. It's also, according to the cover, the 1st edition to come out uncensored. Ooh!

There is a lot of sex but nothing that would raise an eyebrow now. I can see how it would make a stir 80 years ago though, it deals with some pretty post modern themes. Connie, the protagonist, has a rich, landed but crippled husband who can't service her, so she has a few pretty graphic affairs. One with an Irish writer who gets mad at her for not being able to climax when he does (they call it 'coming to their crisis') and one really juicy one with the studly grounds keeper who she can achieve simultaneous orgasm with.
That's how you know it's love.

I also like it because she's constantly referring to money and fame as 'the bitch goddess', which from now on I will also be calling them. Can you really say bitch goddess enough in one day?
I'm sure things will end disastrously for Connie as is always the case for free thinking women in fiction but what can you do? You gotta read something.

PS. this book has had some amazing cover treatment. You can just see the editor's meeting, "We have to convey sex but only use old paintings and black and white photos so people still know it's LITERATURE.'

Books I cannot WAIT to read!!!!!!!!

It's no secret that in my head I'm a gay, black man. It's a source of constant disappointment to wake up a straight, white, woman every day, but I just listen to a little Mariah Carey, I get centered and it's all okay.
Point?? I ordered Hiding in Hip Hop today from Amazon. Yay!

The only problem is there were totally rumors that he was going to name names and apparently HE DOESN'T.
Gay!
I'll read it and try to figure out who's who - I'm looking at YOU Babyface!

Secondly, OMG, guess who else has a tell all????? One of the last people you ever wanted to see naked, but then ended up watching at least half of the sex tape.
Not Vern Troyer. Yes, Dustin 'Screech' Diamond! Supposedly they were all having sex all the time on SBTB but I have to believe that he knows that only because of accidentally walking in on the other actors, not because he was involved.
Sorry but Zac and Slater are more than hot enough for 3 chicks.

I know this is the 2nd thing I've scammed off Radar in as many posts but damn, they got the goods! I'm actually going to give you all the copy they got from the publisher because I don't want you to unnecessarily stress your clicking fingers. Enjoy!

On the face of it, I am no more qualified to take my own inventory than the chick from Punky Brewster who shows up on Entertainment Tonight or The Insider every five years or so. Ask her how she wound up repeating the same old anecdotes to Billy Bush again, and she may have an answer, but she doesn't really know and probably couldn't bear it if she did.

To be a washed-up actor best known for a show which ended in 1993 is to be something of a cognitive acrobat. You spread versions of yourself around, giving each person the truth he or she needs—you need, actually—to keep yourself in the public eye, no matter how much mockery it entails or how diminishing the returns. Let's stipulate that I do not have a good memory, having recklessly sautéed my brain in fistfuls of craft services M&M's. Beyond impairment, there may be no more unreliable narrator than a washed-up actor. Recovered or not, I am someone who used my mouth to constantly create one more opportunity to get publicity.

Here is what I deserved: a small cameo on NYPD Blue when the Goss was on it, a mid-afternoon radio show in a minor market, and then a total fade-out leading to complete anonymity punctured by soul-crushing loneliness and, at best, a cashier's job at a dry cleaning supplies store.

Here is what I got: A poorly-received sex tape, a slot on Season Six of Celebrity Fit Club, and the deal for this book.

But I suppose you're not interested in my musings on the vagaries of fate. You'd rather just hear about the part where I was up to my nuts in Principal Belding's guts while Kelly Kapowski blew lines off of Mario Lopez's cock. Man, they never let us back into that Bennigan's again. Anyway, here's what happened.