Stop. Snookie Time!

Do I have to explain who Snookie is? Even my friend Sam who prides himself on knowing nothing about TV said she was the best thing he ever saw. She's absolutely endlessly quotable on the Jersey Shore. I could easily quit my job and just spend 40hr a week compiling lists of quotes and animated gifs of her, but I need the money so that isn't going to happen. Plus Rich already does that at FourFour.

I do however want to clue you in to the pure joy that is following Nicole Polizzi (aka Snookie) on twitter. I follow a lot of reality TV people on twitter (no judgement!) but most of them are beyond innane. I get it, you're awake and headed to Malibu, your dog is your best friend, and you're getting ready to go to da club.

Please enjoy sampling of Snookie's wit and wisdom from the past 4 days.

- lol every car that I pass people just look miserable. I'm about to fist pump outa the window to put some smiles on these new yorkers

-i think im the only person that would lose her nose ring while dancing. it legit flew out =( damnit (-_-)

- wow this cop broad loves to ride that horse down 8th ave...easyyy

- can I just have a week off so I can escape upstate to relax & rip it on the snowmobile? k thanks

- shamwow guy says were gonna love his nuts. I don't think so

- a bird just attacked this guys ass in the airport lmao wtf goes on

- i like tribal tattoos! Yum

-i forgot my clips! no poof tonight! =( still goin wild tonight! yay ft laud

-gettin ready and goin down to the cascino to fist pump with the 900 senior citizens here @hardrock

- just did the weather for the tristsate area! its gonna snow pickles tuesday. Now to Inside Edition to do Snooki makeover

That's weird, it's not snowing pickles here...

Well Obvi

Adam Lambert's BF - HOT.

He kind of has a young Johnny Depp as an American Apparel model thing going on, don't you think?

I didn't watch the Idol so I don't really know what the kid sounds like but I do know that the whole internet was all, 'OMG GAYZ????' for months which I though was kind of hysterical.

He's quite obvi gay, right?

Anyway, last night was their first official 'we're gay' outing together, which I think was a pretty well orchestrated way to get everyone to shut up already without having to go all Lance Bass, 'I'm Gay' on the cover of People.

Especially if Lady Gaga is going to be there performing Poker Face live. JEALOUS!

Well, have fun being young, rich, and beautiful boys.

Moobs

I hate to come back with this one, BUT I have free time and this article about 'Moobs', the sobriquet for Man Boobs, really caught my fancy.

From the very 1st sentence:

Search the newspaper archives and it's only when you get to 2004 that the "moob" heaves forth into the bra of popular culture.

Always a fan of a heaving bosom, even a metaphorical one.

Oh, who's this gentleman with the moob six pack? That's Ron from this seasons Biggest Looser. His moobs have been on quite a journey over the past couple weeks, though they are still a frightening, cautionary tale.

Side note: I have cable now and spent all last night watching Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, and Half Ton Dad. TLC is AH-mazing! They might as well call it oddities and surgery.
The best!

This marathon also helped me to pick out my next career goal!
Do you know that there are people who's whole job is to, like, be your friend and help you with hospital stuff while you're getting gastric bypass?
That could be me! Patient liaison!

I Trust You J-Hud

I have nothing but love for Jennifer Hudson and you know, obviously our hearts prayers and whatnot go out to her after her entire family got killed BUT, what is up with the fiance???

First of all, he's famous for being on 'I Love New York'. Blech.

Now, I know she's only on the scene because she was on 'American Idol' but come on!! 'American Idol' is to 'I Love New York' as tennis elbow is to infectious complications from scabies.
For real though.
(aside: I would 1000x rather watch I Love Money than Idol, but that's neither here nor there)

Suspect fiance reason number 2: He's now pursuing a career as a professional wrestler.

I know you hear professional wrestler and you think, 'AWESOME"!!! But! Why don't you go ahead and watch Joe 'The Animal' Laurinaitis get beaten to a pulp by The Rock in front of his sobbing kids or watch Jake 'The Snake' Roberts smoke crack and talk about how only the kinkiest sex can get him off anymore in 'Beyond The Mat' and then we'll talk about what's cool and what's totally, mind blowingly depressing.
(aside 2: you should totally rent Beyond the Mat, it's kind of unbelievable!)

Lastly, he's not even cute. He has kind of a creepy troll doll thing going on, and, I'm just going to say it...he's knock kneed.
Oh J. Hud, I just hope you're making the right decision.

McCain...Still Bumming Me Out

An 'impeccably placed source' told Page 6 that female human Cindy McCain was in early talks to go on Dancing with the Stars!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!

But guess what, tv watching American public, it ain't gonna happen. Yeah, John put the kibosh on that right away, even though she (supposedly) was super super into it.


It's like, if you won't let me be president then nobody has fun. GEEZ dude, lighten up!

You Better Work!

Here's everything I love -

















Well minus my family, friends, boyfriend, cheese and crackers, reality tv and sleeping in but, you know.

Come on! It's RuPaul as Michelle and Barack Obama! Awesome.

She's promoting something, something, something, wait! It's a reality show competition for drag queens!

Holy cow it is everything I love!

Oh the Huge Manatees

I know I've said it a million times, but I love reality TV. It's no secret.
But some of the shows I watch and the way I watch are a bit on the, well, secret side. Living alone helps.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is like that, I'm a little reluctant to say I watch it. I mean it's so cheesy and fakey and you're always hearing stories about the shit going all kinds of wrong after the production crew leaves. Plus do not even get me started on that Ty Pennington character. Gawd.

While I won't go so far as to set a season pass, I will let you know that i rarely miss an episode. That I watch it is embarrassing, how I watch it is even worse. I watch the 1st 10 minutes to hear the sob story and I cry. Then I fast forward through the next 40 minutes right up until they move the bus so I can watch the family's reaction to their new house. Then I cry again, if it's a good one, but they know what they're doing - they rarely fail to get the emotional money shot.

Even though I'm crying I still have my cynical jerk hat on and I'm constantly wondering how they're going to pay the taxes on all their new shit, and what they're going to do with a 'Horton Hears a Who' bedroom when their daughter isn't 6 anymore. So I was super psyched to see a day by day profile of EM:HE in the NYTimes Mag this weekend.

I learned lots of new facts, like, they actually do do it all in a week, they do make 4 year olds do retakes till they steer their little wheelchairs across the lawn correctly, and ABC pays for exactly nothing besides the cast and crew.

Here's my favorite part:

'Turning a charity event into a spectacle — and allowing donors to see recipients weep with joy — was a fairly common practice at the turn of the last century. In 1891, the Christmas Society organized an event at Madison Square Garden where the wealthy were invited to buy tickets to watch poor children open Christmas presents on the floor below. Around this time, in New York and elsewhere, there were Bowery Christmas dinners, where the wealthy paid to watch the poor eat a sumptuous feast. There were even specialized events for watching groups of orphans, African-Americans or even newsboys get their fill.'

Did you know that??? See, olde tyme people are just as bad as we are. Or I am, at least.

Kooky Old Man Wears Makeup

Of course there's a zillion things I could say about John McCain but I'm trying to keep it lite! Fluffy! Glamorous! To that end...





















Obvi everyone on TV wears ridiculous amounts of makeup so this is hardly revelatory BUT does everyone pay $5,500 per application??? Sorry, but if that's what he looks like with a high priced face job I shudder to think what he looks like naked. Shiver, I mean, shudder.

Is there a reality TV connection??? Duh, of course, it's psychedandsuch! The lady pictured here is Tifanie White who also did makeup for American Idol (hate) and So You Think You Can Dance (love). Make that money Tifanie! Maybe you can save up to spell your name right.

Through the Looking Glass!

People!!! The 4th wall of Reality TV has come down!!
Actually, maybe it's the 5th or 6th wall...um, what kind of room is reality tv in, a hexagon? Probably more of a rhombus.

Whoa, off topic.
Much, much more importantly, someone I am tangentially acquainted with was on Project Runway! AND, on the very, very, best episode ever; this weeks Good Queen Fun, exclamation mark!

I was watching it late night at the bf's house. I thought he was asleep but OUT OF NO WHERE he bolts up and yells, "That's Steven!" Which scared the bajeez out of me because, as I said, I thought he was asleep.

He only heard his voice, which is uncanny, but low and behold, it was Steven but as his drag alter ego, LeMay!




Jake, who's very sensitive about embarrassing reality tv situations, almost had a heart attack waiting for Steven to get chosen by a designer. Ugh, he got Jerell and then was subjected to this horrible outfit.
Poor Steven!



Steven owns a rad vintage/tshirt/drag supply shop, Retro-Fit, in the Mission that used to sell Headline Shirts and Revel's lines, which Jake is the designer for. Besides selling my boyfriends tshirt designs, he's also known for his ridiculously amazing window displays.

He and Jake even collaborated on this great Flash opener for the Headline Shirts website that's an, I think, hysterical rip off of American Apparel.
You should probably check that out, and maybe buy some tshirts while you're at it.

Long story short I think they fell out a little over Jake's unwillingness to explore his homosexual side but we were still rooting for him to have a rad outfit and a fun time on Runway. ESPECIALLY because Steven's a totally huge Runway fan and throws a huge finale viewing party slash fashion show.

But then he gets the lame designer and the ugly outfit that was totally mocked in the judging. Here's what Tim Gunn said in his blog about this sequin mess, "This look was the biggest loser in my opinion: (Tim Gunn called it the worst dress!!!) The dress was a simple silhouette, albeit jazzed up by the piecing of the sequined fabrics; the green collar was too high and too GREEN for LeMAY's relatively short neck and fair complexion, thereby dwarfing her head and giving her a sickly pallor; and that fringe along the hemline?"

Steven handled the situation well, and I still think he looked great but yikes! It really made me think twice about how awesome it would be to be on a show. Sigh.

Regardless I'm trying to pressure Jake to reconnect with Steven so we can get the inside scoop on all things Runway. Will report back with my findings

Can I take a moment...

To show appreciation for my new style icon?
Her name is Renny and you don't know her because she's on a reality show that only looser reality tv nerds watch, Big Brother.

Despite the obvious handicaps of being on a CBS, summer, reality show, my muse, Renny, (too many commas? I can never tell) NEVER misses a chance to make every moment a borderline costume party.

The best thing about her is that she has the perfect look for EVERY activity. For instance this picture above, coffee and a little game talk?
I wouldn't naturally go for taupe leopard print caftan and a pink doo rag, but it's perfection!
Now get her 2 sugars and a little non dairy creamer!

About to be evicted from the house?? Time to make a good impression, and she is looking hot in her purple flapper dress purchased from the olde tyme photography shoppe.






For hanging off a fake tilting wall for a few hours, what else?
Black spandex? Check! Shiny blue animal/floral print mini dress? Check! Local fire department baseball cap? Check!
How did she fail to win this challenge??


Actually these pictures don't even begin to describe her sartorial awesomeness. All the weirdos who do screen grabs (including cbs.com) are so busy waiting for the Hooter's waitress to bend over in a bikini, that they're missing the best stuff! I swear she had one outfit, complete with head band and sunglasses, that was all different acid washed, pink denims.

I'll search out what screen grabs I can and bring you more in the future!
........................................................................................................................................................

Update! Renny was head of household this week (don't worry about what that is) so they couldn't help but get some photos of her, here's some good ones:
For cutting Dan's hair, a festive multi-colored hair pouf with matching magenta cat glasses and silky top.







And the best yet the festive Mexican top with the bizarrely out of proportion rose. Don't forget the pearl encrusted hoops!!
Yay Renny!

Britain's Missing Top Model

I don't know if you've heard about this show, it's like ANTM but British and, oh yeah, with disabled models.
So not missing like, 'breaking news another white woman is missing', but missing like, missing a limb. They've also kind of stretched it to mean missing like, missing the ability to get up and walk since some of the contestants are paralyzed and what not.
I didn't get to watch it since I'm cable-less but I do know that they crowned a winner!

Here she is, Ms. Kelly Knox, who was born with out her left forearm.

OK so, QUESTION: Being that she's totally beautiful, and who really uses their left arm anyway...would you give up half a non dominant arm to be this hot???

ANSWER: Yes, but only if I could have one of those prostetic claw arms. To be that hot and have a claw would be a total mind fuck. Yes!!!

Reality TV = World Domination

And honestly it can't come soon enough for me.

1. The Emmys will be hosted by the 5 nominees for Best Reality TV Host. For the ill informed thats Tom Bergeron (love him though he's nominated for dancing with the stars instead of the worlds greatest show, America's Funniet Videos. He's a champ.), Heidi Klum (duh everyone can agree that she's amazing), Howie Mandel (gag), Jeff Probst (He's a total prick but Survivor is like the Grandmaster Flash of reality TV so obvs deserves a nod), and Ryan Seacrest (uh, I got nothing).

Horifically neglected is Cat Deely from So You Think You Can Dance. Love you, love your outfits, you're the best.












2. I have a new mental illness to tell you about!!!
It's called the "Truman Show Delusion" from the Jim Carey get's serious vehical, 'The Truman Show". Just like in the movie people suffering from this delusion THINK they are the subject of their own reality show, being taped behind their back.
I can't wait till I get this.
Chickity-check --

The five patients Dr. Gold treated were white men between the ages of 25 and 34, the majority of whom held university degrees. "I realized that I was and am the centre, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one patient, an army veteran who came from an upper-middle-class upbringing.

"My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."

The patient added that he planned to climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty, and if his true love were waiting for him, the puppeteer strings would be cut. If she failed to show up, he would jump to his death.

Doesn't sound delusional to me.