Dirty and Distinguished

I usually don't like to recommend anything Playboy since I find Hef so gross and his standards of lady hotness a little restricted (and blond) but I urge you, as a fellow patriot, to take Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz.

I totally shocked myself by getting only one wrong! Go me!!! I honestly think that 'Mount Gushmore' is a great nickname for Lyndon Johnson's wiener. It's much more presidential than what he actually called it, a name I found very uninspired.
Boo Lyndon, boo.

Just as an aside, I want to give a quick and incredulous, REALLY?????? to Hugh Hefner's new 'girlfriends', 18 year old twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon. I don't care that they have felony aggravated assault charges against them (there's not exactly a line of Rhodes Scholars in front of the mansion)...but check out this pull from Karissa's myspace, "Obstacles r put into your life to see if wut u want is worth fighting for!!!"

Who does she think she is??? A text message from Prince?? In your dreams Karissa.

Also, my sister, WHO LIVED IN LA, and knows things, said Hugh doesn't have sex with his girlfriends, he just makes them watch gay porn in bed with him. Just telling you what I heard people.

Porno for Palin

This is said porn actress dressed as Sarah Palin, for the major motion porno, 'Nalin' Palin'
Just go ahead and admit that you're stunned, impressed, confused and maybe a little antsy in your pants.

Oh, And, Uh...

This is the woman playing Sarah Palin in the upcoming Hustler porno, 'Nailin' Palin'. Just FYI. I wouldn't mind if she played me in a made for TV movie. By the way, my boobs are totally that big.

Chain of wierdness

See if you can follow. I'm not saying you aren't smart, I'm just saying this shit is kind of weird.

1. Orgasmic Birth
Just what is sounds like! Maybe you should think about getting your rocks off while pushing that watermelon out. There's a new movie out called, yes, 'Orgasmic Birth' which explores how 'Women can experience birth as sensual and pleasurable, and can enter a natural state of ecstasy.'

Warning, as soon as you load the page a video will start of pregnant women groaning in ecstasy, so prob not safe for work. Also if that sort of thing might freak you out then it's not safe for you at all.
Honestly, orgasmic birth sounds a little kooky but then again, like a pretty rad alternative to a shitty predicament. Let's hope it takes off.


2. Dolphin assisted birth
See now we're sliding down the kooky scale a few notches. Okay more than a few.
Did you know that 'Dolphins have an affinity with the baby in the womb and are automatically attracted to pregnant women. They sense when a woman is about to give birth and gather round. They give both the mother and child a sense of protection and safety,' says Charkovsky.

Does that sound right??

That's not all! 'Research sufficient for us and experience since 1976 has shown that dolphins are able to improve or heal a wide variety of conditions including depression, autism, Down's syndrome, cerebral palsy, and microephaly'
Interested??? Take the seminar!! Because, Dolphins are not only masterful midwives, but they are elegant programmers of our cellular blueprint.
But you knew that already.


3. My wife left me when the dolphins at Sea World gave me an erection
I love advice columns, love, love, love. Probably because I'm bossy and also like to tell people how to live their lives. I read a bunch weekly, even the one's I don't like, and one of those is Cary Tennis on Salon. However, this week's really gave me pause.
Who in the world can resist reading about a man who's wife left him for getting an erection at Sea World.
No need to read the advice Cary gives but def read the question as it includes such gems as, 'I admired their soft slippery skin. It was just so exotic; I had never felt that way before. Looking at those soft underbellies and long slender fins was like seeing the face of god.'


4. Man accused of possessing 10s of thousands of images of octopus porn escapes jail sentence.
How the fuck do you have sex with an octopus??? Don't they have, like, beaks?
I don't want it to sound like he singled octopi out, he also had images of people having sex with dogs and ponies (which is kind of like vanilla animal porn) and snakes (again how??) and tigers, which seems a bad idea all around. Some insight in to why he wanted to have sex with octopi: he was self conscious about his teeth.
Thank god my parents forced me to get braces. Cause you know, I didn't really want them.