Psyched and Such

Ironic Hell

2010-11-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

You know how in that movie Defending Your Life, when you're in the way-station between life and the afterlife you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight? Meryl Streep eats like 7 pies in a row, and that's always been a sad little fantasy of mine. Uh, but then I read about Lizzie Velasquez, who's living the dream, shoving fries and cake down her throat all day without gaining a pound.

But it's not as cute as you'd think, or I'd like to imagine in my elaborate pizza filled fantasies. She literally has zero (and I'm not talking hyperbolically here) percent body fat. Lizzie eats 8,000 calories a day but only weighs 62 pounds! That's obviously a picture of her over there. Of course instantly scientists want to find whatever gene or chromosome or whatever allows this to happen because, OMG WE COULD ALL BE THIN!

It's a two parter so make sure you read both.

Lizzie's plight, which she claims to enjoy (despite strangers knocking on her parents door to demand they feed their daughter) reminds me of women who have PGAD. For those not as obsessed with bizarre medical disorders as I am, that's persistent genital arousal disorder which is pretty much what it sounds like. These ladies are constantly turned on, 24/7, and are in need of rubbing one out up to 100 times a day.

Sounds pretty good in theory, and fertile ground for cracking wise, but not exactly convenient for those who need to go to work, pick the kids up at day care, or hug our relatives and anything else without mortifying sexual results. If you're like me and need more, more, more, about the heart break of PGAD click here and here and here. You are welcome.

Just For Fun

2010-11-23T13:01:00.002-08:00

In happier times, MJ was a friend to all, who knew how to have a good time.

Squirrels, Squirrels, Squirrels!

2010-11-23T11:30:00.001-08:00

Sadly, LIFE magazine is all, "oh that picture is copywrited, you can't just take it and do what you please with it." So I'm going to have to use some serious powers of persuasion to get you to move your finger slightly in order to click on this link to see squirrel fashion plate, Tommy Tucker, dressed in the very best WWII era fashions. Yes, I said that.

Tommy (who later becomes a crossdresser) was rescued and domesticated by a DC woman in the 1940s.

Of course, I would never leave you totally pictureless. Here's a picture of 1980's subway vigalante, Bernie Goetz, with a squirrel friend. Since getting away with shooting 4 unarmed teenagers on a NYC subway he's

gone on to be an outspoken advocate for vegetarianism and a friend to urban squirrels. He builds them little houses to weather the winters and runs a squirrel infirmary out of his apartment. Uh, yay?

First Unlimited Porn, Now This

2010-11-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

So you probably already know about Munchausen syndrome where someone makes themselves really sick to get attention, or the more popular Munchausen by proxy where someone makes their kid really sick to get attention. (Like that scene in The Sixth Sense) And if you're like me you're already obsessed with the disease. It seems that the pervasive anonymity of the internet along with easy access to online info about diseases and their symptoms has driven these Munchauseners into productive fits of glee. You've probably already heard at least one story about someone who faked being chronically sick on an internet forum for attention, but check out this totally fascinating breakdown in Obit Magazine of Munchausen by internet.

The files of chroniclers of such hoaxes...contain the case of a women who had a “friend” write that she had died when, in truth, the woman did not want to hand over patterns she had promised to members of her online knitting group.

What? Yes!

Oh and if you like advice column's I definitely suggest checking out Obit's Ask Judy. Really puts your problems into perspective.

Real Crime

2010-11-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

Absolutely chilling, but 100% true story in this month's Vanity Fair about a private dick tracking down a serial rapist. Not to be read before bed or checking into the Miami Dade Airport Regency Hotel.

New in Brain Sharing Twins

2010-11-09T14:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's what you think it is, two and a half year old Canadian, craniopagusly

conjoined twins. They're obviously joined at the head but they also share part of their brain. Scientists think they maybe able to share thoughts and look out of each other's eyes. Freaky! Grow up already and learn to talk Tatiana and Krista (horrible names even for non conjoined twins) I need to know everything about you.

In case you were wondering, here are the world's oldest conjoined twins, Ronnie and Donnie Gaylon. Their father made his living charging thrill seekers to watch the twins sitting in a trailer watching TV. They were allowed to retire in 1991.

Dude, Make Love, Not War

2010-11-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

I think the ruling cultural wisdom on war is that for any semi-formed society, it's just inevitable. Deal with it, tree hugger. But check out this article in Scientific American about Margaret Meads' take down of all those jerk neo-Darwinists.

In discussing the Eskimos Mead distinguished between individual and group violence. Eskimos were "not a mild and meek people," she noted. They engaged in "fights, theft of wives, murder, cannibalism," often provoked by fear of starvation. "The personality necessary for war, the circumstances necessary to goad men to desperation are present, but there is no war."

Super interesting.

Life

2010-01-21T18:17:00.001-08:00

Stop. Snookie Time!

2010-01-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

Do I have to explain who Snookie is? Even my friend Sam who prides himself on knowing nothing about TV said she was the best thing he ever saw. She's absolutely endlessly quotable on the Jersey Shore. I could easily quit my job and just spend 40hr a week compiling lists of quotes and animated gifs of her, but I need the money so that isn't going to happen. Plus Rich already does that at FourFour.

I do however want to clue you in to the pure joy that is following Nicole Polizzi (aka Snookie) on twitter. I follow a lot of reality TV people on twitter (no judgement!) but most of them are beyond innane. I get it, you're awake and headed to Malibu, your dog is your best friend, and you're getting ready to go to da club.

Please enjoy sampling of Snookie's wit and wisdom from the past 4 days.

- lol every car that I pass people just look miserable. I'm about to fist pump outa the window to put some smiles on these new yorkers

-i think im the only person that would lose her nose ring while dancing. it legit flew out =( damnit (-_-)

- wow this cop broad loves to ride that horse down 8th ave...easyyy

- can I just have a week off so I can escape upstate to relax & rip it on the snowmobile? k thanks

- shamwow guy says were gonna love his nuts. I don't think so

- a bird just attacked this guys ass in the airport lmao wtf goes on

- i like tribal tattoos! Yum

-i forgot my clips! no poof tonight! =( still goin wild tonight! yay ft laud

-gettin ready and goin down to the cascino to fist pump with the 900 senior citizens here @hardrock

- just did the weather for the tristsate area! its gonna snow pickles tuesday. Now to Inside Edition to do Snooki makeover

That's weird, it's not snowing pickles here...

Clerks

2010-01-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

I saw Clerks when I was 16 and it changed my life forever. Well it changed my life for the next 2 summers because I spent them working at convenience stores in Jersey.
Because Clerks made being a clerk seem cool. Apparently no amount of seeing myself in my smock could convince me otherwise.

Nothing exciting like having sex with a dead guy in the bathroom ever happened (thankfully). For $5.15/hr (no breaks) I smoked cigarettes, sucked the nitrous out of the Redi Whip cans in the walk in and birthed a disasterous lottery habit.

You can't win if you don't play people!

PS. Totally starting a metal band called 'Fuck You Yankee Blue Jeans'

Tequilla!!!

2010-01-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

A western New York woman is accused of mixing up a batch of antifreeze-laced margaritas for her live-in boyfriend, who died four days after drinking the toxic cocktail.

Plus, they're really high in calories and give you a wicked hangover.

I Wish These Were My Problems

2010-01-08T11:02:00.001-08:00

I think the problem is, I spend too much obsessing about how to get money, and all my money on lottery tickets. Money's important (obviously) but I should spend more time manifesting these kinds of nights too.

The kind of nights that have open flames, lesbian supermodels and tripple XL animal print jackets.

I'll write that into my New Years Resolution list along with better posture.

Kathy Griffen + L&O SVU = Amazing

2010-01-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

Not sure who Kathy will be playing in her guest roll on SVU but one thing's for sure, if there are any sharks left to jump on SVU (doubtful) Kathy will hunt them down, and jump them like an elderly tourist in the wrong neighborhood at midnight.

Here are her tweets from the set:
Today was my 1st day of filming SVU. Why does Chris Meloni keep offering me lube?
and
On set, here at SVU. Ugh, can't decide who I should make my sex tape with? Meloni, Hargitay or Ice T. I've had solid offers from all three.

Meloni obviously, didn't you see him on Oz. He had his shirt off a lot. Plus you know Ice T is in to some freaky shit, and Hagitay's a mom. You just can't go lesbian for the 1st time with a mom. Too weird.

(Yes, I'm very aware that I have horrible taste in television)

YouTube is Forever

2010-01-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

I watched the 1st episode of the new Bachelor last night.

I think it's hard to to put too fine a point on how mortifying it must be to be one of the female contestants. The kind of humiliation that can only be matched by peeing on a school trip in 3rd grade, being called pee pants by everyone you know till you're 18, when you leave town and never look back. You won't even facebook friend anyone from your home town. That bad.

I mean being The Bachelor isn't exactly a shame free experience.

THIS is the Bachelor. What a cheese-monger right? Plus he's a pilot so they've sub headed this season, 'On the Wings of Love'

The very 1st night 25 women in shiny, sparkly dresses get out of limos, try to have a magical moment with the Bachelor, get drunk, body snark each other, spew sexual innuendo and cry. Then after 6hrs of drinking, 10 of them get booted out the house.
Great for me, a lifetime on YouTube for them.

Think I'm exaggerating? Here's the 21st through 24th women the Bachelor met that night, and the cringe inducing way they came up with to 'stand out in his mind'.
Shiver.

(by the way, YES, these are pictures I took of my TV. Don't you dare judge me.)

Girl #21 said, 'I want to tell you something,' followed by 30 sections of Cambodian which he (obviously) didn't understand.

That was her whole thing. She thought he'd just be so dying to learn what she said that he'd keep her around for 4 more days. Really?

Except it turns out that what she said was, 'Jake you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime'. Because he's a pilot.
So, touche, but also, ew.

Girl #22 made, MADE, a 3rd grade art project of desperation for this guy. Who is a stranger.

It was supposed to show, like, all the different reasons he should pick her or where they were going to go on vacation...don't know, doesn't matter.

The woman photoshoped their pictures together, pasted them on to a twister wheel, flew it to LA, brought it into the limo, made a strange man spin it and then brought it into a televised 'cocktail party'. What kind of person thinks that's okay.

She also (cringe) changed into a 'sexy' flight attendant costume during the 'party'. Because he's a pilot. #22, he sees stewardesses every day at work, it's like dressing up as a rack of lamb on your 1st date with a butcher.

The very first thing Girl #23 told the Bachelor was that she was already totally and completely obsessed with him.

When he was on the Bachelorette last season she would throw a pajama party with her friends each week just to watch him. They'd practice their first names with his last name and kiss the back of their hands and draw pictures of him on a unicorn and just swoon.

Why don't you just tell him you have a urinary tract infection. That's not even playing kind of hard to get.

And Girl #24, well she brought a basket full of single serving size jelly beans. Why? To hand out to the women who get kicked off before her. As a nakedly bitchy parting gift.

Not only does she try to seduce the Bachelor with this information (which, how?) she hands them out early during the 'cocktail party' to intimidate the more emotionally fragile of the group.
She is obviously going to be the 'I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to find love' Girl. But for now she's just Girl #24

These are only the girls from the 4th limo!

I really can't tell what's going on here. Does something happen to you in the process of being recruited for this show, like do they put something in the bottled water that warps your brain? Or is the casting dept just really, really good at finding and recruiting extremely beautiful, marriage hungry women with exceptionally low self esteem? Or, god have mercy on us all, are there just a lot of women out there who are like this?

If you know, please tell me.

Avatar Make-up Tutorial

2010-01-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

You may have seen this already but there's no way you've watched it more times than I have. I'm basically ready to drive to where ever this girl lives and force her to be my best friend. Like Misery style.

'You may have noticed the black lines they have on their faces. Each line represents...well it means something different for everyone. But in this case we'll say... how many times I said I was a virgin. 8 times isn't a lot. Neither is 10, okay"

Question of the Day

2010-01-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

Don't you think American weddings would be a little more exciting if unsheathed daggers and AK-47s were more common? Just saying.

This Yemeni Wedding looks like it's going somewhere further than veiled insults to the bride disguised as a toast.

I Love Mariah Carey!

2010-01-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

And being drunk and winning an award looks fun. I'm planning a similar speech for my Pulitzer.

PS. Very excitingly my friend Wynter was in the restaurant while Mimi was getting trashed. So jealous, Wynter!! You can starfuck along with her on Twitter. Reccomended.

Set Your Voyerism to 'Stun'!

2010-01-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

As a gift to the people of the world, VH1 has posted the entire 1st episode of Celebrity Rehab 3 on their website. Yes, the best show to drink bourbon and abuse drugs to (after Intervention of course) is back. My hands are shaking, my throat is dry, I'm paranoid, and all I want is to drink a 2 liter of Mountian Dew and take my bike apart. It's all very exciting.

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

As you can see from the preview, the cast is amazing! Being on Celebrity Rehab is what caused Mackenzie Phillips to come out about boning with her Dad on Oprah. With results like that you know it's going to be a good one. Also very excited about Dennis Rodman (you are too if you watched him on Celebrity Apprentice) and Heidi Fliess aka the Hollywood madam.

Here's Dennis's boardroom intervention. Thanks Donald!

RIP Casey Johnson

2010-01-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

Nobody wants to die alone only to be found 5 days latter by their maid. AND nobody wants to be memorialized by a flame war between the 2 biggest whores on the internet.
Also can we all stop using the word wifey. Especially in conjunction with hyphy.

Wipe the dirty taste of lonely and untimely death out of your eyeballs with this old Vanity Fair profile on Casey Johnson and her feud with her even richer older aunt over a man. It has money, sex, betrayal, eccentric rich people and Michael Bolton (but only a little Michael Bolton). But it's not totally gross, just juicy, trust me.

Fun fact: Casey got her 1st pair of handmade snake-skin pumps at 11. First pair of handmade snake-skin pumps is totally the new first time you went to 2nd base.

Just No

2010-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Look, I'm 100% on the band waggon for being obsessed with the Jersey Shore. Not only is the show great but I've had many formative sexual experiences there.

Plus, I only found this little gem because I follow Snookie on Twitter. (and the Situation and Pauly D)

Yeah, NOT EMBARRASSED.

I also like Michael Cera, not sexually but he's clearly adorable.
However this combo is no peanut butter and jelly. It's more peanut butter and uncomfortably long hug from your boyfriend's male relative.

There are somethings that just don't taste right together, people. Stop trying to cross polinate everything.

Some of the Kinds of People There are at Shows

2009-12-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

photo via Flickr

1. The person who snakes through the crowd just so they can stand in front of you. Now if you're me, and you are short, it is okay to be this person. However, if you are a Sasquatch this is a dick move.

2. The person who is slam dancing and going bonkers when everyone else is just bobbing their heads. This is fine, but weird. Just be aware of your surroundings. Kick, and you will be kicked back.

3. The flip side of #2 is that person who is right upfront standing stock still or TEXTING when everyone else is going bonkers. It's your prerogative but, why are you doing that?

4. The girl who keeps spilling her drink on your foot and sleeve. Sometimes this is me, I get excited. So don't judge too harshly and maybe don't wear really nice shoes or shirts to shows. That probably goes without saying for a number of reasons.

5. The guy who uses the crowd to either hump you from behind or side boob you with his elbow. If this is you, you are ruining everyone's good time.

6. People who come with their work clothes still on. You should bring a pair of jeans to work with you. It's not right, but people will judge you.

7. The older guy in khakis and a 20 year old leather jacket. (With shoulder pads) I'm willing to believe you're really into the music but I suspect it has more to do with girls who have tattoos and funny hair.

8. The black out drunk girl. I find that black out drunk guy is usually at the bar, but black out drunk girl tends to like the stage. Where there is black out drunk girl there is often the guy who uses the crowd to hump. This combo is depressing.

I will add more as I encounter them.

Wait, NEW NEW

2009-10-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

Like, for real new!

I'm doing a mini project where I read all the Little House on the Prairie books and tell you about it.

Come on, it'll be a fun way to spend the winter. You and me, just like old times baby!

Go there now!
Get Psyched on the Prairie!

As always, please email me to correct my spelling and grammar.

Happy Terrorist Fist Jab Day, Ya'll

2009-06-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Can you BELIEVE it's only been a year?? Think about how everyone absolutely swoons at the mere mention of Michelle's name now.

What in gods name is she wearing? Where can I get it? Is it pilates??? And why can't I go pick tomatoes with her in her organic White House garden?!!??

For reals thought, it was only one thin year ago that everyone thought she was an ANGRY BLACK WOMAN (possibly a domestic terrorist) who is NOT PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

Check out this Gawker post about how the Obamas have ingeniously emasculated the fist jab by giving daps to whitey. It makes whitey feel cool, and it makes daps less scary.
It's become the 'Bling' of hand gestures.

Well Obvi

2009-06-02T17:13:00.001-07:00

Adam Lambert's BF - HOT.

He kind of has a young Johnny Depp as an American Apparel model thing going on, don't you think?

I didn't watch the Idol so I don't really know what the kid sounds like but I do know that the whole internet was all, 'OMG GAYZ????' for months which I though was kind of hysterical.

He's quite obvi gay, right?

Anyway, last night was their first official 'we're gay' outing together, which I think was a pretty well orchestrated way to get everyone to shut up already without having to go all Lance Bass, 'I'm Gay' on the cover of People.

Especially if Lady Gaga is going to be there performing Poker Face live. JEALOUS!

Well, have fun being young, rich, and beautiful boys.

Understandable

2009-06-02T10:50:00.002-07:00

The lovely Lady Gaga, newly single lady, wants a barely legal foursome with the Jonas Brothers. Now say what you will about the brothers Jonas but compare and contrast to who I had to squee over when I was a tween. Um, no contest.

2009-06-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hot on the heels of the blind humping the blind, and the gay male prom queen, check out Sara Wilson's photos of the Texas School for the Blind and Visually Impaired's prom!

I remember last year overhearing a conversation a couple was having as they were reuniting before prom. She grabbed his hand and ran his fingers along the sequins of her dress, to the curls in her hair, and to the strand of pearls around her neck. His response was an exuberant, “Wow, you look so beautiful!” I know that she felt beautiful.

Good News!

2009-05-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

For those of us living and humping in California, it's been a rough week. For some unknown, bizzaro-world reason the CA Supreme Court upheld Prop 8, the Constitutional ban on gay mariage. Sigh.

HOWEVER! In a sign that we just need all the old people to die already (sorry old people) Fairfax High, outside LA elected an openly gay MALE student as their Prom Queen. Aw!

"At one time, prom may have been a big popularity contest where the best-looking guy or girl were crowned king and queen. Things have changed and it's no longer just about who has the most friends or who wears the coolest clothes," Garcia told the crowd of seniors. "Sure, I'm not your typical prom queen candidate. There's more to me than meets the eye."

It's really rather heartwarming!

Um, Just In Case You Were Wondering...

2009-05-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe you've seen a porno with women ejaculating (nothing wrong with that). Did your shenanigans meter go off? Were you like, 'Whatever porno, no such thing'?

That's what the British Board of Film Classification said when they saw 2002's British Cum Queens and demanded that a 6 minute lady ejaculation scene be censored. Apparently peeing on someone in an English porno is verboten and that's what they thought it was.

Well guess what Chesterfield Bottomtooth, SCIENCE says, 'Yes indeed, girls can blow a wad!' Check out, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Female Ejaculation (but Were Afraid to Ask)

Confidential to the ladies: There's some, ahem, 'how to tips' at the bottom if you're interested in spoiling your bedsheets tonight.

The Blind Humping the Blind

2009-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Check out this super interesting article about how blind people fall in lust despite not being able to see each other. You're probably thinking it's all very Laura Dern and Rocky in Mask but many blind folk, like most sighted jerks, want to be associated with a hottie, even if they can't appreciate or even imagine what 'blond' means.

'When I was a teenager, I went to a boarding school for blind children where the sound of wildly rushing male and female hormones could be heard on every corridor. I particularly remember a new girl arriving. No one took much notice in her first few weeks... until one lad said they'd heard she was blonde....she suddenly started getting a lot of attention after her hair colour was made known. Of course, few of her admirers could see her crowning glory, or even knew that blonde was a kind of light yellowy brown, but because "blondes" are talked about as desirable...she became very popular.'

So the blind can be superficial (they're people right??) but check this out, the author, Damon Rose, also talks about how good looking sighted people will, apropos of nothing, start describing themselves to him just so he knows they're good looking. 'Some people just can't bear the idea that the blind person in the room won't consider them special or even worth talking to... until they tell you how good looking they are.'

Weird, huh??

Just Saying...

2009-05-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Yes I am one of those obnoxious vegetarians who doesn't eat meat because she feels bad for the piggies and the cows. Look, I've already been derided by more than one farmer so I KNOW, it's a very wimpy stance.

HOWEVER!!! New research is showing that animals all the way down to lab rats have the capacity for empathy, social responsibility and morality. Even inter-species, check this: In 2003, a herd of 11 elephants rescued antelope who were being held inside an enclosure in KwaZula-Natal, South Africa.
The matriarch unfastened all of the metal latches holding the gates closed and swung the entrance open allowing the antelope to escape.

AND

Experiments with rats have shown that they will not take food if they know their actions will cause pain to another rat. In lab tests, rats were given food which then caused a second group of rats to receive an electric shock.
The rats with the food stopped eating rather than see another rat receive a shock. Similarly, mice react more strongly to pain when they have seen another mouse in pain.

I'm totes not saying stop eating meat or whatevs because circle of life, blah, blah, blah, but you know, you could just get some free range eggs. That would be nice.

The Jokes, They Write Themselves

2009-05-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the White House has a flickr photostream?? Yeah, they're not all gems but for every, President Obama talks to Prime Minister Blah Blah Wazhisnuts, there's a President Obama talks to a fake pirate.
'I think some new ARRRRRRt work would really jazz this room up.'

In a slightly related note I suggest you read this Planet Money article about the ecconomic system behind all the Somali pirates that were so big last month. People like Rush Limbaugh try to act like it's just 6 teenagers in a speed boat but they're actually highly organized, financed and well planned out business ventures with a very high rate of return for investors.

"Think of it as everything you would need to go into the cruise ship business," Pham says. "Everything that you would need to run a cruise ship line, short of the entertainment, you need to run a piracy operation."

Ah The Glaring Mirror of Technology

2009-05-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

I kind of had to laugh when logged into Netflix and they had my movie recomendations sorted into 6 rather specific categories. Here they are in order:

1. Critically-acclaimed Gay & Lesbian Comedies
2. Romantic British Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead
3. Witty Showbiz TV Comedies
4. Sentimental Father-Daughter Movies
5. Cerebral Foriegn Dramas
6. Local Favorites for Oakland, CA

How is there a whole category of romantic Brittish movies featuring a strong female lead?? I guess I will now have to cede to the boyfriend that I never rent anything he can watch.

2 Great Tastes

2009-05-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Through years of therepy I've gathered the strength to be able to admit it...I love all those shitty auto tune songs. It started inocently enough in 2000 with a little Kasey and JoJo but along with so much of our youth I was never able to turn away.

Some of you must agree because that shit is still everywhere. Even on a mother fucking boat.

So why not...lets bring another great player to the table, my friend and yours, Barack Obama.

Highly recomended.

Finally! Something New in New Faces!

2009-05-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here she is!!!!

Connie Culp before and after America's 1st and the world's most extensive face transplant. How impressed are you? I mean, come on, that's a big difference.

Connie couldn't blink, smell, eat, drink or FUCKING breath on her own. Now she's back to enjoying her coffee and cookie. That may sound small but think how delicious that would be after 5 years!

She straight up deserves it too. Her dick husband shot her in the face with a shotgun in 2004 in a failed murder/suicide and she lived with that before head for way longer than you could take it.

I also don't want to sound superficial but that's a very nice nose she has now, no? Though she was pretty cute and apple cheeked in the before-before. That's her below.

The whole story is pretty feel good if you're in the mood for that.

To Amuse You

2009-05-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

Is this a case of kicking a dog when it's down? Should I feel more sensitive to the beleaguered lot of the Republicans? Or should I just laugh, because, after all, isn't that what clowns are all about...bringing us joy?

via boingboing: Prominent Conservatives with photoshopped on clown makeup. Certainly no more offensive than the photoshopping that goes on in most women's mags. (ouch! Sorry, I hadn't filled my boner-killer quotient for the week.)

You really have to respect the artistry here. I mean, you can, like, see the stubble on Newt's cheek. Check out the flickr page of the genius behind this little piece of heaven.

Elizabeth Edwards, Tells Some

2009-05-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Time has some new excerpts from EE's new book about her lyin' cheatin', God complex havin' husband.

It all started romantically enough when Rielle came up to John in a hotel and said, 'you're hot'.

"...if you had asked me to wager that house we were building on whether my husband of then 28 years would have responded to a come-on line like that, I would have said no."

Even though John said he told her he had a piece on the side before he decided to run for president, she says he waited till 2 days after he announced his candidacy. Shady.
Also, "After I cried and screamed, I went to the bathroom and threw up."
Understandably gross.

Plus he totes tried to play it like they humped once and not, in fact, a whole bunch of times. Which is what was up.
"More than a year later, I learned that he had allowed [the woman] into our lives and had not, even when he knew better, made her leave us alone."

And lets not forget for a second that this woman had and still has the Big C, cancer.

She has, however, let the dog out of the dog house and back into the people house. I don't judge but John Edwards is seriously on my shit list. Just keep him out of politics and away from my face Elizabeth.
Thank you, and get well soon.

You Tell ME a Better Name

2009-05-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today on the comute to work the woman who picked me up (casual carpool, not shady hitch hiking style) was one of those furious radio station changers. 10 seconds of NPR, 10 of the local college station, 10 seconds of a cd, 10 seconds of gross out morning dj. So I don't know where in the mix this was but SOMEONE did a story about one of my favorite Oakland landmarks, God's Gym. On Broadway and 25th, right in the dag middle of the Auto Row.

I've always wondered, who are these people? Do they play Christian Rock in the step classes? Do the diet plans have olde tyme foods like dates and millet and what not? Do you not need a spotter because, well, Jesus?

We may never know...I didn't get to hear the whole program but it did make me want to share some sweet pictures so you could start wondering too. Let me know if you come up with any good theories.

Because scraggly, skinny, hipster Jesus is soooooooo 2008. This is the Jesus who will have your back.

Are You Having a Hard Monday??

2009-05-04T15:22:00.001-07:00

My Monday is going no where fast. What helps? This slow loris enjoy a good scratchin'. It will slow your breathing, lower your blood presure, improve your investment portfolio and decrease your overall appearence of bodily frumpiness.

No need to turn the sound on.

36hr in Oakland!!

2009-05-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

OMG! The NYTimes knows our name, and like totally told everyone we were fun to hang out with. Swoon!

Actually I think they make Oakland sound rather boring but that's because they just didn't know any fun parties to go to.

For some reason, the restaurant I used to work at has be come THE iconic Oakland breakfast restaurant. I suspect it has to do with the fact that they hire exclusively from the Suicide Girls rejection stack. Reviewers always have to say something about all the tattoos (At Mama’s, an oft-tattooed wait staff serves up hearty dishes like breakfast burritos). I actually had customers rather rudely demand to know where my tattoos were.

Ah, youth.

TGIF Monkeys

2009-05-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Why is it raining?? I'll retract that because I know there's supposedly a drought. None the less, rainy Fridays always put me in the mood for monkeys.

One Enchanted Rap Battle

2009-05-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

As you may, or may not know, I consider myself a black gay man trapped in a straight white woman's body. So, obvi, I had to read New York Magazine's timeline of white people and rap. Duh.
Verdict? Embarrassed. Especially after I relived the glory of the white rap battle from Teen Witch.

The crazy thing is, I started playing this clip in the office (it's Friday) and instantly the 3 women in my office were like, 'Teen Witch?!', and 'OMG, that witch is the reason I wanted to be a red head!', and I'll just come out and say it...a bit of a sing-a-long ensued.
Play it, see what happens in your office.

Also, clarification! Aparently Lauryn Hill never said she'd rather have her children starve than have white people buy her album. Phew!

From the Dept of DUH!

2009-04-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Edwards is writing, not a 'tell all' but a 'tell some'. Via Huffpo - 'In her new memoir, "Resilience," Elizabeth Edwards says her husband should not have run for president.'

DUH!

Sherri Shepherd...Not as Bad as You May Have Thought

2009-04-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

I know we don't like Sherri on the View. She doesn't know if the Earth is flat or round and she was going to vote for McCain based solely on the fact that Sarah Palin has a child with Down Syndrome but...well sometimes she's still funny. She's Tracy Jordan's wife on 30 Rock and she has a guest spot on WWE Smackdown this week!

I suggest you watch the video...she really knows how to turn wrestling in to wrasslin'. Though, on second thought, if you're icked out by the thought of Sherri's bedroom behavior I'd say skip it.

Finallly Some Answers!

2009-04-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

You should check out all of The Stranger's 2009 Sex Survey Results but here's my favorite:
I especially wouldn't want to have sex with Tim Geithner. Though, of course, I have the utmost respect.

Another Great Moment With Martellus Bennett

2009-04-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

Martellus is the Cowboy's tight end who gave us our last great WTF moment with the hypothetical Angelina Jolie feeding you pancakes and farting scenario. I'm starting to really love Martellus's blog. He's so upbeat and he LOLs a lot more than I would expect from a 350lb man. For that, I respect him.

Plus, he asks the questions most of us are afraid to. In his most recent post he addresses a question that I thought stopped plaguing us in the 60's. Apparently his white friends just won't stop asking why black people love fried chicken. LOL!!

In the interest of getting to the bottom of this stereotype, he polls his black friends to find the answer.

Of course, it's Martellus himself who has the best answer -

11) my answer: everybody loves chicken despite race sex gender chicken is scrumptious and everyone enjoys it. If you haven't had chicken go get some.

With all that being said I am about to go get me a spicy ten piece with fo (four) biscuits and a large red beans from popeyes. I don't need a drink because I have purple koolaid at home.

Never stop chasing your dreams.

Peace, Love and Happiness

Marty B

Worth It!

2009-04-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

It's a Golden Girl's kind of week, as one Ms. Sophia Petrillo's (ne Estelle Getty) belongings go up for auction. Yes, yes, kind of macabre. But! How much do you want Sophia's iconic rattan bag??? Or her over sized glasses? On their original lanyard!!

The glasses are a steal, estimated to go for around $500. The bag is estimated to go for under $1500.
What??? Do you know how many new, non history making bags cost more than that? Shocking, but a steal for anyone who's smart enough, which I am, and has the cash flow, which I don't.

Whoa!

2009-04-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

Did you know this???
Up until 1971 it was illegal for women to tend bar in California. TRUE!

Read the Wall Street Journal's history of women bartenders.
Added fun fact, a colonial woman named Betty Fanagan invented the cocktail. The WSJ would not lie to you.

I Just, um, Really Like Usher Okay?

2009-04-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

R.I.P Bea Arthur

2009-04-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Whether Dorothy was your favorite Golden Girl or not I think we can all admit to the soft, Bea Arthur sized spot in our hearts.
Saturday my girlfriends and I went to a drag show and it was really touching to see what kind of influence Bea had on those girls, especially the older generation.

"I knew it would hurt, I just didn't know it would hurt this much. I'm so happy that she received her Lifetime Achievement Award while she was still with us, so she could appreciate that," Betty White told "The Insider" in a statement. "She was such a big part of my life."

Rue McClanahan, the only other remaining "Golden Girl," said: "[Thirty-seven] years ago she showed me how to be very brave in playing comedy. I'll miss that courage. And I'll miss that voice."

What Are You Thirsty For?

2009-04-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Slow your roll
Listen don't believe the hype...this does NOT have cough syrup in it. You have to get that yourself at the Walgreens.

Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity. This is a premium energy drink named with confidence.
Men of the world, your secret is so out that you like to get your face all up in it that MTV is marketing it as energizing.

Drink a can, improve your daily hustle. Drink two cans, get yo hustle on.
A hunid racks = $100,000 so it must be good right? Answer: no, I've had it it's gross.

Hunid Racks is out of the Bay area so they also rep local favorites Mac Dre and 2Pac. Nice.

Go Iceland!

2009-04-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

When times are tough, like say your economy collapses, you have to think outside the box.
Or inside...Because Iceland has just elected the 1st openly gay prime minister, Ms. Johanna Sigurdardottir. Her top priorities are going to be rescuing the economy and starting negotiations to join the EU. Duh. Also, she's quite the silver fox, no? Must be all that Hakarl.

Burgers and Douche Bags

2009-04-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

Oh man, if you aren't already watching Sarah Haskin's 'Target Women' on Current TV, well, then you're a damn fool. I know it has 'women' in the title which can turn some of you dudes off when you realize there's no chance for, AT LEAST, some soft core.

Well, guess what? I found one for everyone. It has humor, douche bag hate, social comedy, burgers AND it has women washing cars in bikinis. You're welcome. Plus, you won't be a whole person till you realize that douche bags aren't assholes, they're just 'good nature douche bros sweepin' fries like they're at a douche bag party about to win the award for douche king of the douche-a-tron'
Seriously

Oklahoma Battles The Pink Robots

2009-04-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

In a stunningly awesome move, Oklahoma's Governor Brad Henry signed an executive order making The Flaming Lips song, 'Do You Realize' the official rock song of the State!! Awesome!!

The lame-ass State Legislature originally tried to keep that from going down, even though the very people of OK had internet voted for it.
Gov Brad was like, 'Hell no bitches!'

Or rather, “The music of the Flaming Lips has earned Grammys, glowing critical acclaim and fans all over the world. A truly iconic rock ‘n’ roll band, they are proud ambassadors of their home state...They were clearly the people’s choice, and I intend to honor that vote.”

Jealous!!

PS. I love you Wayne!

Can I Recomend???

2009-04-24T10:53:00.001-07:00

Maybe I'm late on the scene (not unlikely) but have you heard of The Moth?? It's a NYC, storytelling, hipster, podcasting, live performance, um, organization. Theater group?
Whatever.
You should subscribe to their podcast.

I actually almost didn't, because their most recent podcast was a story from Greg 'He's Just Not That Into You' Behrendt. (people who bought this book on Amazon also bought, 'The Rules' and 'Stop Getting Dumped!) Ugh!

But...it had a million stars on iTunes so I listened to it this morning on the commute.

Greg, I hereby forgive you for foisting 'He's Just Not That Into You' upon the world.

Greg told a rather embarrassing story about Janeane Garofalo not being that into him. Full of mix tapes and neediness and late night, drunken, pleading phone calls and general Janeane worship, which I share. I will tell you no more, just please download the podcast.
Thank you.

Thursday's Disturbing Moment

2009-04-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

Phil Spector, Wall of Sound innovator, murderer, big hair proponent, prisoner #1165998.

You hardly need to read his palms to know this guys a serious freak, but his middle aged adopted son is shopping a tell all, that may, uh, tell too much.

"When I was 13, Dad was seeing someone, a woman the kids all liked . . . and hoped for the chance of one day calling her 'Mom.' That all changed, however, one evening . . . [It] involved a bottle of wine, a Playboy magazine and 'the lady.' That night I lost my innocence, and my brother, Donte, at the age of 10, lost his virginity -- to that lady. That was the last time I ever saw the 'lady.' "

I think I'll just go curl up in the fetal position and sit in the dark now.

Grey Gardens

2009-04-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen the orig documentary (which you can view here), the Broadway musical, or the HBO original movie and you now have full on Little Eddie fatigue but, WAIT! One more thing!

Pictures from Grey Gardens after Big Eddie passed and Little Eddie needed to, finally, move on. Not surprisingly it was bought by rich fans who restored the place. Not only was it falling apart but it was rattling around with 52 dead cats who all, for some reason, needed their own funeral. That's a lot for any Camelot/Architecture fan, no matter how rich.

Check out the NYTimes slide show! It's full of statements like, When Ms. Quinn touched a key on this piano in the living room, the whole thing collapsed and fell through the floor.

Tim Gunn, Depantsed

2009-04-22T11:56:00.001-07:00

In OK! Magazine. I just don't like that they photoshopped his face. But there are some good nuggets. He supports Michelle Obama's right to tank tops and his sister has psoriasis. People with psoriasis feel like they can’t be who they want to be fashion-wise. Our message is that, through proper treatment, you can do whatever you want in terms of lifestyle.
Tank tops for all!!

It's a Dog, GET OVER IT!

2009-04-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

I know it's bad.
The economy's in the shitter for reasons even Planet Money can barely make intelligible, there's Iraq, and torture and high waisted pants are back in fashion but are we so hard up for a good vibe that we need to collectively slaver all over this only moderately cute dog??

Plus, I'm sorry Sasha and Malia or Ted Kennedy or whoever came up with it, but Bo is not a good name for a dog. Especially if the dog's last name is Obama.
You have to think these things through!

My New BFF

2009-04-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Maybe you know Michelle Rodriguez from being faster and furiouser, or from getting shot on Lost by the guy in the wheel chair on Oz but let it be known that she's one fun bitch to party with.

Check this Page Six description of her at her BFF, Giancarlo Chersich's wedding:

At the welcome dinner...Rodriguez pushed fully clothed guests into the pool. The next night, she broke up the bachelorette party yelling that the stripper was "fat and had a small [bleep]."

Rodriguez was ticked off when the dancer asked for a volunteer at the beginning of his routine and then made the willing babe kneel down. "That's bull[bleep]," the sexy star yelled. "He should be kneeling for her; this is a bachelorette party."

As the stripper began gyrating and pushing his crotch into the bride-to-be's face, Rodriguez yelled, "This is the kind of thing that brings out the bisexual in me." She left in a huff.

Classic Stoner, A Day Late For The Party

2009-04-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 4/20 so like I said I'm a day late but you probably didn't notice, did you you drug fiend? Probably too busy smoking what my Dad calls, 'unbranded cigarettes' and gatewaying yourself into a crack cocaine habbit.

Or maybe not. Either way (as long as you haven't yet sold your computer to buy crack) check out this article from Huffpo by a member of Law Enforcement Against Prohibition. He makes your basic health and safety arguments but since you're always zoning out and forgetting things I thought I'd remind you. Plus it's always nice to hear a cop say:

Over the past four years I've asked police officers throughout the U.S. (and in Canada) two questions. When's the last time you had to fight someone under the influence of marijuana? (I'm talking marijuana only, not pot plus a six-pack or a fifth of tequila.) My colleagues pause, they reflect. Their eyes widen as they realize that in their five or fifteen or thirty years on the job they have never had to fight a marijuana user. I then ask: When's the last time you had to fight a drunk? They look at their watches.

Libya...So Hot Right Now

2009-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

How awesome is Libya's National Security Adviser Mutussaim Qadhafi? Doesn't he look like he stepped out of a David Lynch movie?

She's Rich, Bitch!

2009-04-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, Tina Fey is one rich bitch. You'd prob figure that out on your own if you thought about it for half a second but aren't we all a little conditioned to assume that actors = the people they play on TV?
Liz Lemon only has $12k in the bank and eats off brand Hot Cheetos but Tina Fey just bought a huge Trump-esque pad with a maid's room and a butler's pantry on the Upper West Side.

Why is it always the talented driven people who succeed in this life? What about those of us who just wanna party with our friends and surf the internet? When's our time?

Pictures of the fabulosity via Gawker:

Something Kind of Disturbing

2009-04-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

From special correspondent Cormac.
It's actually kind of weird that he would send this today because Friday I made a drawn out joke about having a mild case of 'unicornism' which kept me from work when my bangs wouldn't cooperate. Seeing this hungover is my punishment for not being sensitive to the feelings of those with for real unicornism.
Which, who would even know that's a real thing?

Because you weren't necessarily rude to anyone with a horn, I'm leaving it as a link.
Click at your own risk.

Adderall??

2009-04-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty bi-curious about it since I read an interview Vice Magazine did with a Canadian farmer they'd given Adderall to. He not only did the work of 10 farmers but also some, 'stuff with my wife I hadn’t done in a long time.'

You know what I mean.

The thing about Vice is that they're stridently pro drugs all around. Their dating advice usually involves not only alcohol but blow and Viagra so I don't always trust them. Plus they're really judgy about women who don't wear heels.

For a more nuanced take (with less talk about certain sex acts that are gross to me) check out The New Yorker talkin' neuroenhansers.

Verdict: Still kind of want to take some Adderall. Who doesn't want to do the work of 10 women? Answer: Osama, he's a mysogonyst.

Lastly, I typed Adderall into Google to find a good picture and about eleventy billion online, no questions asked pharmacies popped up. Just fyi.

Behind the Scabbies!

2009-04-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Whatever, I know it's not good for, well probably anyone, but Rock of Love tour bus is the awesomest thing ever. Diablo Cody feels me on this subject.

Sigh, it's over now and the reunion show was boring because of it's glaringly small apportionment of my party girls Ashley and Farrah (in the pink and black respectively) Actually I strongly advise you watch the episode that this screen shot is from. I think you'll understand where I'm coming from when you see Ashley repeatedly demand a cheeseburger, barf, correctly claim, 'Barf happens' incorrectly claim, 'Pooping yourself happens' and awesomely declare, 'I barf on your mom, she loves it.'
Watch act 3 starting at the 5:15 mark and then the 1st minute of Act 4. Thank me later.

Anyway, the reunion. Boring!!! But the behind the scenes blog is pretty amusing since it brings up old glories like when Gia put a shot of alcohol in her vagina, when Brittanya spat on Season 1's Heather and how Marcia always smelled like Doritos and Patron and tried to pull Bret's wig off.

Ah, memories.

Thankfully almost all of them will be showing up on Charm School 3 with Ricki Lake. Yay!!

I also humbly suggest you read, 'Hanging with the Blondourage' which is just a weird stream of consciousness with Ashley and Farrah.
Ashley: I was doing an event in Florida and I ordered porn in my room, and the guy who was hosting the event paid for it. He didn’t say anything about it because it was a weird porn. It was like lesbians on tricycles.

John Waters, Can You Clear Something Up For Us

2009-04-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

from BoingBoing:

JOHN WATERS: "Teabagging" is by my definition the act of dragging your testicles across your partner's forehead. In the UK it is dipping your testicles in your partner's mouth. I didn't invent the term or the act but DID introduce it to film in my movie "Pecker." "Teabagging" was a popular dance step that male go-go boys did to their customers for tips at The Atlantis, a now defunct bar in Baltimore. Hope this helps. -- John Waters

picture via jezebel

Tweets From the Mouth of GOD

2009-04-17T16:29:00.001-07:00

By which I mean, Oprah has a Twitter account.
And her caps lock it stuck on.

Here's who she's following:
Demi and Ashton
Shaq
George Stephanopoulis
Jimmy Fallon
And of course: Gayle King

Just FYI

Let's Just Let This Happen

2009-04-17T11:47:00.001-07:00

538, predictor of everything, has a strong argument for just letting Texas secede from the union. This is something that Republican Gov Rick Perry has been mumbling about, not the sodomites here in San Francisco, so step away from the high horse.

The reasons include all kinds of goodies like Dems having a filibuster proof majority in the Senate and more electoral votes being transferring to California and Gore winning in 2000. (Time machines are part of what will change in this scenario). But the best and least explicable reason is, 'If Texas were not in the Union, there'd be a good case for making football an Olympic sport, which would sure as hell beat rhythmic gymnastics.'

Who in Texas is keeping football from being an Olympic sport?? I'll have to look into that conspiracy, it's a new one for me.

Monkies, It Happens

2009-04-16T17:54:00.001-07:00

Just for Fun pt 2

2009-04-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

Japanesebirdcookingspaghetti.com

Talking Points

2009-04-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

In case you get into a convo with one of those who insist America's a Christian Country founded on Christian morals and so condoms and gay pride parades should be outlawed...read this article so you can deliver a stunning verbal smack down.

People tend to shut down when you come at them with, "In any event, in order to be a good American citizen one need not subscribe to Lockean liberalism."

Just For Fun

2009-04-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

Thanks to special correspondent Kendra!

Is this bunny supposed to be a middle aged, lady librarian bunny? She's kind of disproving for a portent of spring. And mauve? Not really anyone's color.
None the less, adorable.

P&S To Obama, 'Legalize It Bro!'

2009-04-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

From Huffpo -
You know how everyone's suddenly freaking the eff out because Mexican drug cartel violence is spilling all over into California, Texas and Arizona. Big time. Yeah, it's a big deal, but did you know that the cartels get most of their cash from the chronic, the sticky icky, Mary Jane and well, pot.

Solution: Stop smoking weed? Don't be ridiculous, this nation is too uptight already.
Legalize it!

Think I'm out in left field? Lots of top level Mexican officials want to see that go down, including the Mexican ambassador to the US. Is it really worth it to fund death squads, pack our prisons like crayola boxes full of non violent offenders and stress out, mostly, law abiding citizens who worry their landlord will come over when the bong is out, just so young Johnny doesn't get blunted every now and again???

Answer: Don't be silly, of course not.

Plus according to one commenter:
Was God wrong? King James Bible And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

Think about it!!

The Kind of Dog I'd Prefer

2009-04-13T17:51:00.001-07:00

The 1st Dog

2009-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I know you already know, but I felt remiss in not posting a picture.

Did Sasha and Malia really want a Portuguese Water Dog or did their dad make them accept it because of Ted Kennedy's brain tumor?

My verdict: Pretty cute, but you know, it's a puppy. Judgment reserved till the midterm elections when the fucker's all grown.

Happy Pesach Bitches!

2009-04-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

Last week all us Jews and half Jews celebrated Passover with a little wine, a few bitter herbs, some bread of affliction, and if you were lucky (like I was) an acoustic cover of Metallica's 'Creeping Death'.

Sadly I don't have a recording, but why don't you relive the glory of the 10 plagues in the original!

Easter Bonnets!

2009-04-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

Regardless of religion, I think we can all get behind a big beautiful Easter hat. Well you don't want to be RIGHT behind it because then you won't be able to see, but, you know, metaphorically.
A great smile doesn't hurt either, huh?

Check out the slide show from the LA Times here.

OMG!! Famous!

2009-04-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

You know how a few days ago I wrote about that article with the woman who was afraid of fried eggs? OMG! The author of that article posted a comment.
Check it!

This was not the case when I wrote the article. The Daily Express has edited the article and changed bits. I am a Journalism student, and obviously this article is more than news worthy ish- the woman who Is scared of fried eggs has had 20 different publications call her since its first publication in the Express, and she will also be appearing on a number of tv shows- this goes to show how little you actually know. ENDS.

Samd, I apologize for impugning your writing chops, I totally believe that the Daily Express is a chop shop. On top of that I'm completely excited to find out I've been googled and can be googled.

HOWEVER I remain unconvinced of the newsworthiness of egg fear alone. I did, of course, read the story but I guess in my heart of hearts I was just hoping for a near death egg experience in her past or maybe for an egg phobia support group in her future.

Let me know if either of those things got cut out of the orig Samd.

PS. How gross are Cadbury Creme Eggs? Ech!

Weirdly Mezmerizing

2009-04-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

A real time map of what people are buying on Zappos.
Hint - Ugly shoes, yet I can't stop watching.

Snoop's Triumph Over Twitter

2009-04-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

Snoop celebrates after learning how to upload live video over Twitter.

I mean how do you spend your late Thursday afternoons?
By the way, it only took me a year to type 'embed video' into the blogger help section. How should I celebrate??

Random WTF Moment

2009-04-09T14:18:00.001-07:00

It's kind of Zen. Not the Zen you're thinking of, another kind.
From Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett's blog in the Dallas Morning News:

'...if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating
spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and
as she's feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her
beauty or call her out?

Never stop chasing your dreams.

Peace, Love and Happiness

Marty B'

Did you enjoy it? I enjoyed it.

We're All Trying to be Less Douchy

2009-04-09T14:01:00.001-07:00

Last night, Kanye was murdered.
Not really but an obnoxious cartoon version of him was on South Park.

Wouldn't you think he'd totally freak out, throwing his diamond shoes through a window and almost breaking his mac book with his furious blog typing?
Well he didn't, and people it's a whole new Kanye. One who's trying to move away from his image as a 'HUGE DOUCHE'

SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER. I USE TO USE IT TO BUILD UP MY ESTEEM WHEN NOBODY BELIEVED IN ME. NOW THAT PEOPLE DO BELIEVE AND SUPPORT MY MUSIC AND PRODUCTS THE BEST RESPONSE IS THANK YOU INSTEAD OF "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" IT'S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU'RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE'S THE NICEST GUY FOR EXAMPLE. I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. I NEED TO JUST GET PAST MYSELF. DROP THE BRAVADO AND JUST MAKE DOPE PRODUCT. EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT SERIOUS. AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. I'M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DRAW MY CREW. THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY ALSO!! I'M SURE THERE'S GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS... THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S ME!

Bravo, young dbag, I think we can all take home the message of being a doper person by not always telling people that you are, in fact, dope.
But did you know your caps lock was on? Just saying.

I Like Square Butts

2009-04-09T11:37:00.001-07:00

I know I'm supposed to be offended by the new Sponge Bob Square Pants/Sir Mix a Lot collaboration for Burger King but it's just TOO AMAZING!

Yes, yes, it sexualizes a beloved (and frankly homosexual, right?) children's character and at one point I believe men are looking at womens 'square butts' through a telescope like they're 18th fucking century Hottentot Venuses BUT check these lyrics -

Sir Mix-A-Lot as the Burger King, rapping: I like square butts and I cannot lie / Squid and Sea Star can't deny / When a sponge walks in / Four corners in his pants / Like he got phone book implants / The crowd shouts / All the ladies stare / Dang, those pants are square! / Swimming through the seaweed tangles / Is a butt with sharp right angles / Now, SpongeBob! / I wanna get witcha / 'Cuz you're making me richa / Burger King wants me to seal the deal / Ninety-nine cent, get a toy and a kid's meal!

Phone book implants!!! I guess I also don't care because as far as fast food goes its Taco Bell or nothing for me.

Watch the video here and, go ahead laugh and be weirded out at the same time. Or just laugh, since you're probably not as easily offended by the patriarchy as I am.

Evidence: The boyfriend and I were watching 'Coming to America' the other day. A movie we both love, BUT I just couldn't help but make a comment about the horrible state of pan-African kleptocracy and how all those hot tubs and bath girls and rose petals were paid for off the backs of the starving prolatariat.
Sigh, I just can't help it.

Just in Case You Were Interested

2009-04-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

As a feminazi boner-killer I definitely have my own knee jerk, barely make sense, personal problems with the whole Sarah Palin thing but I never felt you should go after her family.

However...via Gawker I read about Palin's deceptions which is a weirdly intense, methodical and exhaustive study of Bristol Palin's (pregnant daughter) Myspace. Not for stalking, but to prove that she's Trig's (Down Syndrom son) real mommy.
(That's them together on the campaign trail)
Seriously, these people are really, really into it.

I know there's all this blow back because Sarah Palin was supposed to be this perfect mother, moral majority, milf, conservative godsend, but all the 'evidence' sounds like pretty normalish teenage stuff.

Check out this especially hillarious post from Bristol

Don't judge her for not being able to spell decided, lots of smart people, like, ahem, me, can't spell worth a damn. Feel free to judge her for using 'gay' so liberally though, even though a lot of very progressive people, like, ahem, me do the same.

One of Us!!

2009-04-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

I don't watch Rachel Maddow, there's usually a rerun of 'Rock of Love: Tour Bus' that needs my attention, but I admire her from a far because she's always, says the internet, giving right wingers the what for. Which I support.

Her one fault? She's on TV, but she doesn't have a TV.
A little bit too, ironic.

Well something wonderful happened and she bought one! How's that? Hee. She got drunk with her partner and when she woke up in the morning she had a confirmation email from like Best Buy saying, 'your damn TVs on the way lady.'

This sort of thing happens to us all and I've never regretted anything I've bought while I was high or drunk. Sure, maybe it's an embarrassing color, or not really the right size or you accidentally bought 2, but, you know, it's usually okay.

Wait, actually there's a number of food items I've bought while drunk that I deeply, deeply regret.

El Faralito on 24th and Mission, 3am, nachos. Don't do it people.

News Worthy! Ish.

2009-04-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

Another editorial gem from the Daily Express -

THE WOMAN WHO COLLAPSES WHENEVER SHE SEES A FRIED EGG

She's, uh, afraid of fried eggs. Which you should know about.

Check out these writing chops:
Susan, 39, says she is afraid of going into restaurants and cafe's in case she spots her greasy nemesis lurking on a plate.
"I can't go to restaurants because I am afraid of seeing a fried egg," she said.

Yeah, I got that.

Maps of Sitcom Houses

2009-04-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

If you watch a lot of TV you probably already know this: all sitcom houses are essentially the same. It's either kitchen on the right, living room on the left, or the other way around. As a child I was highly suspicious that the sets were all recycled, which, I'm sure they are. Also, as a child I watched a lot of sitcoms. Thank god reality TV came along.

None the less, I'm completely charmed by Dan Meth's sitcom houses chart. It's so perfectly symmetrical!!!

Psst! It's part 2 in a series of pop culture charts, check out the 1st which is a map of of the US where sitcoms took place.

More Parasitic Twins!

2009-04-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

Okay...this is a baby who came out with a second penis on his back. Yes, that's a penis.

So many wang jokes are running around my head right now that I can't even separate them enough to distinguish one, and pull it out.

As usual with crazy births like this one and the baby with the foot growing out of his brain and the girl who was born pregnant, Chinese doctors think it's a case of fetus in fetu. Basically the baby batter gets stirred once to many times and the twins get all mushed together.

It's truly one of the internet's great gifts to me.

Dolly...What Else is There to Say

2009-04-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

My Dad just got this album for my Mom at a flea market which inspired a big bag of mixed emotions, here they are in order

1. Dolly is so cool!!
2. Why didn't I get up early enough to go to this stupid flea market??
3. Wow that was cool of my Dad
4. Wait, is she showering in a sweater and wig??

She does what she wants!!!

Check out Ms. Parton on 60mins (of all places) talkin' about her boobs, aspiring to dress like the town tramp, her wicked business sense and all the other parts of being awesome.

Just as a last aside, I've been to Dollywood. My friend Erin and I made a big, special trip out to Pigeon Forge, TN to visit the homeland and I'm sorry to say that our lasting impression was that everyone in Tennessee was one pork rind away from needing to go on one of those Discovery chanel programs I like so much about weight loss surgery.

JUST SAYING!
Dolly, it may be time to serve something besides fried pig skin and fudge at your amusement park.

The Different Kinds of People That There Are

2009-04-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

From the Stranger, Seattle's free weekly rag. Which you should start reading every Thursday when it comes out.

If only because it's edited by Savage Love author Dan Savage, who is my sensei. Oh and because it has a drunk of the week contest with pictures that usually make me laugh out loud.

Oh and also because they sponsor an annual amateur porn film festival called 'Hump'. Well there's lots of reasons really, and the list of 'The Different Kinds of People That There Are' is a good example.

It's really just a list of the different kinds of youngish, white, hipsters there are, since that's what Seattle is full of. From secret trustafarians to obnoxious correcting your word usage types to tech dorks, really the whole gamut. There's also some passing mention of Russian wizards and animals that are really people who got transformed by a witch. But it's tasteful.

I especially like the one about people who don't watch TV since this is a personal pet peeve of mine.
I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT HOW MUCH TV I WATCH.
In fact watching TV is one of my very favorite things to do, so why don't you go ahead and suck it.

Anyway, they're all funny and I'm a little pissed that I wasn't the one to write it so maybe I should go ahead and suck it.

Amazing Older Lady Alert

2009-04-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently, there's a wackiest dresser in Brittan award and this young-ish lady, Su Pollard, has won. Congrats Su.
My favorite thing about Su is how she has the face, hair and glasses of a mom bringing cupcakes and fruit juice to your 5th grade homeroom, the legs of an underfed 25 year old and the style of an amature clown prostitute.
What's not to like.
Check out some of her more legendary looks here.

What Was on the Ipod

2009-04-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

You know how Obama gave the Queen an ipod?
It's pretty cute right? With all these pics and video of their visit which the Queen mum can use for her, ahem, 'private time'.
It also had music on it.
But only show tunes! The horror!

Is this because Barry truly likes show tunes or did it just seem like a safe bet?? Please be a safe bet!

The only even slightly okay songs are '76 Trombones' and 'Bring in the Clowns'.

Other Blog Shout Out Times 2!

2009-04-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Wondering what Michelle Obama's arms are thinking?? Here's your chance to hear from the source that her 'biceps are all about bipartisanship'
First Guns

And only slightly lest substantive, Cute and Cuter, which is just pictures of good looking men with either pets or little kids. Basically this is what real porn for women would look like. It lights up the elusive but powerful sex, nurture and surfing quadrant of our brains.
Now if they could only make these dang computer screens scratch and sniff. Feel me sisters?

Simpsons to go Postal

2009-04-01T16:56:00.001-07:00

Sorry, I know that joke is total low hanging fruit but it completely blocked out all other jokes with it's obviousness.
Point? The USPS is creating a series of postage stamps with Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie on them. This is great news but so much of what makes the Simpsons great is the ancillary characters.

My favorite extra characters are Mr. Burns and Nelson but just the addition of Maggie's nemesis, the baby with the unibrow, to the opening montage puts a sting of joy in my heart every Sunday. Too dorky? It's hard to tell sometimes.

PS. Did you know that the Simpsons is the longest running prime time comedy in TV history?? It makes sense since when it debuted Bart and I were the same age.

Kurt and That Bitch Who Wasn't Me

2009-04-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

If you're a girl (woman) in her late 20s early 30s chances are you're still mad that your mom threw out all your Sassys when you went to college.
I am. Mom.

This cover is probably their most famous since Kurt played a big part in all of our collective sexual maturation. By which I mean serious wet panties.
Sigh! Plus nobody but nobody could get Kurt on the cover of a magazine at that time. Adorably Kurt loved Sassy and had gotten his little half sister a subscription. Aw.

Christina Kelly, the lucky bitch who got to interview Kurt (and Courtney) for that issue, is interviewed today on I Heart Daily cause this April is the 15th anniversary of Kurt's death. (!!!)
There's nothing really new in it but it's nice to remember being 16 and horny.

The orig interview is actually much more interesting and I Heart Daily was nice enough to scan it so go ahead, indulge yourself!

A Million Sorries!

2009-04-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

I know I've been beyond out of the loop, a bad mommy, and ruler in absentia for far too long. I'm going to try harder, be funnier, and look prettier from here on out.

Mea culpa:
Uh, no, I don't know what's going on here. What are we to believe is happening to her crotch?

Terminator-a-fication?
Is it turning into a Disney's the Jungle Book snack kiosk for adults?

I tend to trust her so I'm just going to assume that it's a Lisa Frank, Matthew Barney collaboration.
FINALLY!

Bad Paintings of Obama!

2009-03-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

Um, I think you mean awesome paintings of Obama!!!

Van Halen...J'Acuse!

2009-03-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

You can't just write 'Hot for Teacher' and then expect lady teachers to NOT have sex with their students, am I right?

Oh, you can?

I kid!

But in stone faced seriousness, I'm totally, totally fascinated with lady teacher - male middle school student sex. In a way that's prob way out of sync with the fact that we're talkin' child abuse here.

So without further incriminating comment... here's a bunch of stories about female teachers abusing their students! Wheeee, voyeurism!

Start with this 1st one from Rolling Stone because it's the juiciest and takes place in the dirty Jerz, aka New Jersey. Sex, Lies, and Phys Ed.

These 3 bitches all teach in Florida and were all arrested within 2 weeks of each other. Swamp fever!

In this one The New York Post has the nerve to call Lina Sinha a, '...sultry headmistress' after 2 boys (boys like 12 yrs old) came out with accusations of abuse. She's only being charged with statutory rape.

And from the lady who started the whole fad (drumroll......) an update on Mary Kay Letourneau and her husband Vili who she started dating when he was 12!

If you're not as familiar with their story as I am (by which I mean, intimately) here's a breakdown.
Their relationship is really the Coke Classic, the Air Jordans if you will of school sex scandals.

Enjoy!

Moobs

2009-03-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

I hate to come back with this one, BUT I have free time and this article about 'Moobs', the sobriquet for Man Boobs, really caught my fancy.

From the very 1st sentence:

Search the newspaper archives and it's only when you get to 2004 that the "moob" heaves forth into the bra of popular culture.

Always a fan of a heaving bosom, even a metaphorical one.

Oh, who's this gentleman with the moob six pack? That's Ron from this seasons Biggest Looser. His moobs have been on quite a journey over the past couple weeks, though they are still a frightening, cautionary tale.

Side note: I have cable now and spent all last night watching Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Mom, and Half Ton Dad. TLC is AH-mazing! They might as well call it oddities and surgery.
The best!

This marathon also helped me to pick out my next career goal!
Do you know that there are people who's whole job is to, like, be your friend and help you with hospital stuff while you're getting gastric bypass?
That could be me! Patient liaison!

Yes We Can...Eat All That Sushi, Keep the Sake Coming!

2009-02-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

via Gawker

For me, there's never enough sushi or enough Obama, so I'm kind of surprised I didn't come up with this independently.
Well not surprised, more...wistful.